Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care?

I'm very pleased to read in my research that the first question women ask when faced with breast cancer is not "Will I die?" "Can it be cured or cut out?" "What will happen to my breasts?"; rather, it's "Will I lose all my hair?"

I say that because it's the one thing I'm most worried about. Pretty vain.

I did research what a breast looks like after surgery. As I assumed, it's hideous. Even worse after a mastectomy, if it comes to that.

Jack loves tits. It's his main entry into porn, and he even confessed it to Peta, making her worried he wouldn't like her since hers were not large.

So how does he get rewarded for coming back to me? I lose mine.

An odd kind of karma, perhaps. I've already got a poor self-image, so losing my breasts won't do much more damage to my ego. But it condemns him to a titless marriage.

Now more than ever I feel like I have to lose weight so that I have some sort of appeal.

There are times I hate myself.

ABB Tour

We left home on a snowy (4 inches!) Nov. 15 to head to Manchester. The plane was delayed, as we suspected it would be, but we landed Friday morning around 10:30, and loaded up a bus that wasn't really big enough to handle all of us and our equipment. So we plodded on to a grand hotel near Crewe to join the TCTC Group band in concert that night.

The next day we headed on to Gateshead for the Brass in Concert. Another amazing hotel and a beautiful view of Newcastle across the river. The band fared poorly, chiefly because they took the advice of a consultant from England and simply played all the wrong music. Their show was just not entertaining.

We left the next day for the Huddersfield area where again we performed in tandem with their band, Meltham and Meltham Mills, in a beautiful and ancient church. The next day we left for Edinburgh, a 5-hour trip that took us 9 1/2 hours.

Jack and I spent a cold and rainy day touring Edinburgh Castle, and riding the sightseeing bus. The castle is huge ... HUGE ... and set upon a huge volcanic mount. Everything is up and down, and without my CBD capsules (they didn't arrive before we left), everything is painful. We paused to rest at The White Hart, the oldest pub in Edinburgh where Coleridge, Wordsworth, and others of the Romantic era met. it was not at all touristy, and I had a mulled wine.

But Thanksgiving dinner was held as a banquet in Dalhousie Castle, a relatively small castle-cum-venue. We were properly piped in by the house steward, and served turkey roulade, dauphinoise potatoes, stewed roots, baby brussels, and cornbread cake. The soup was carrot with coriander -- delicious!

Amid all of this, it hasn't sunk in that I have breast cancer. I had one moment of sadness when I realized I'll probably lose my hair, just when it's looking so luxuriant. I suppose I have time to let it all hit me between now and Christmas.

Well, More Poop

Cancer.

But "the good kind." Whatever that means!

See the surgeon Dec. 12 for a consult.

Waiting

I managed to move my biopsy to Monday with Penn Medicine. So I might get results before I leave for the UK, but at least I won't be AS sore for the flight.

I met my new GP at Aetna's R-Health Medicine. I really like her. She's young and she appreciates that I know myself, my body, and my health situations.

Poor Liz is really upset at the prospect of going back to work. She asked if I would sit for them, but she wants me to do it there, and I just can't leave the dogs for that long a period of time. But she doesn't want anyone else driving with her baby in the car. She's a mess.

The fine members of Bracken Cavaliers have nominated me to be Vice-President. Well, at least one did. I don't know what that position entails, but who knows if I'd even be elected.

Bracken has a parade today -- it's a freaking 42 degrees out there, and windy! Grrrr.

Happy Birthday, Billy

Jack bought a new car for me! She's a beautiful white gold Escape with all sorts of bells and whistles. I'll call her Galadriel.

On the down side of today, the scans showed that the lump is not a cyst; it's a mass.

And I can't get in for a biopsy until next Tuesday, and we leave for the UK on Thursday.

Sucks to be me today!

Poop

November 1. I found a lump in my breast.

I set up all the necessary appointments. The gyn secretary chided me for waiting 5 years since my last mammogram, since I was supposed to get one every six months.

We also got the cash value for the car, which is totaled. $5200. Jack wants to buy a limper until we pay off the Escape. Then we'll buy into a new car, probably another Escape.

Still have a headache from the crash.