3 Weeks Later

Well, I'm getting stronger. I can even wipe myself when I poop.

I've chosen a salon that will cut off my hair for donation, and will give me a wig in return.

Dr. Butler pushed my appointment back another week. I wish he hadn't pushed it off at all. The wound is just not closing, no matter how much we wish it. Nor is the little hole under my dog-ear flap. Now the right breast is all broken out in hives as well. I think because of having 8 weeks of tape.

This past weekend, we attended my step-niece's wedding in Virginia. I had wine for the first time since Jamaica, and it hit me like a baseball bat. No more alcohol for me, it would seem. Nephew Scott and his girl Jess also came to the wedding, which was wonderful. He even served me dinner to keep me from having to stand in line. Jack was the officiant and did a nice homily.

I did some grocery shopping today. Now I hurt. My visiting nurse Andrianna wants me to have more protein, so I bought a chocolate protein powder to add to my morning shake. Makes it nastier, but there it is. I bought V8 to make sure I get more veggies. I also bought bags of mixed frozen fruit instead of buying individual fresh fruit -- it's actually less expensive.

One thing I am truly sick and tired of is not being able to sleep. I can't sleep during the day, as tired as I am, and I'm wide awake until after midnight, and I can't get comfortable and I wake up a lot. Lying on my back is awful. I don't have the real strength to sit up, sometimes not even to roll over.

And my middle is getting fat. Ter. I need to exercise somehow. But I'm always exhausted. Is it chicken and egg? I don't know.

I know I said I once felt guilty that i wasn't really a cancer warrior. I take it back.

Just Can't Help It

I do not believe in karma or an unjust and vengeful God.

But losing my breasts really does feel like I'm being punished to spite Jack's obsession with big boobs.

My oncotype report indicated that I am going to need chemotherapy, so I'm also definitely going to lose my hair.

And if my right breast doesn't heal soon, the plastic surgeon is going to remove the expanders and refuse to reconstruct, so I'll just be this flat, maimed thing.

I'm angry.