Post Christmas

 We had a wonderful Christmas after all. The kids got here around 8:30 and we had breakfast. Then the opening of the presents, which was absolute mayhem once the Snowball Fight in a Box was opened! Snowballs flew everywhere, and Eliana just shouted, "I LOVE IT!" every time she tossed balls at someone. Leighton was presented with his Jenkins tartan teddy bear, and he grabbed it, hugged it, and promptly lay his head down like he was going to nap! 

Then they all went home to nap their kids, and we got back together at Buddy's around 4. Eliana and Leighton are so wonderful together! Jesse played their little spinet and we sang carols, and everyone was crying, it was so beautiful!

Meanwhile, Greg Frost had a bit of time, and he made it very clear that he absolutely loved my novel. He made the most amazing comments on how to build it and improve it, a whole semester's worth of lessons in so few comments. He followed it up with illustrations from an artist that he likes, so the novel was on his mind. I spent about twenty hours reconciling his comments and rewriting according to the suggestions that I needed.

And it's now Sunday, and all is quiet.

And I hate wearing readers!

'Twas the Week before Christmas...

Once again I'm caught up in the Christmas PTSD, unable to dismiss the memories of the horrible discovery ten years ago that my husband would rather keep his girlfriend than his marriage. I think because of the switch in anti-depressant, it's hitting me hardest this year of all years.

I frankly hate all the Christmas fuss. I have ever since I realized at 14 that if I didn't make Christmas, it wouldn't happen. And if I did make it happen for my little brothers, it would happen without me. 

I never know what to get for Jack. Not anymore, anyway. There's nothing he wants or needs, he says. I say the same thing, only because every time I ever asked for something, he gave me something different--what he thought I should have instead of what I asked for. I've given up asking.

I am looking forward to Christmas morning with the grandkids. That's something positive, I suppose.

Much Better

Eye surgery went much better this time. I had a conversation with the anesthesiologist before time, and he was shocked to hear I wasn't numb for the last surgery. He thought I was exaggerating my sensitivity. I said, "Haven't you seen my rap sheet?" He said I'd been given Fentanyl, and I told him that won't work on me, and I could have told him that. so he promised to keep an eye out for me.

So they roll me into surgery and hook me up, and the nurse anesthetist says, "That'll relax you." and I said, "When?" She said, "You mean you don't feel that?" I said, "Nope."

She clearly doesn't believe me. With that, the nurse does the "tape the eye open" thing and I give a grimace and a groan. She said, "Did that hurt?" I said, "Yes, and the light is really painful!"

That's the last thing I remember! Yup. Surgery went off without a hitch. What a difference! No pain! Well, it's only one day out, and there's some inflammation, but no outright stabbing pain like my eyelids are slicing my eyeball.

I have a new computer. The last one, only four years old, just wouldn't stay up. It kept dumping me and rebooting itself. I'm busy reloading my programs and putting together a choir video for church. It's so hard to align all those individual vid clips so it looks like they're singing together. It's especially tough when the singers themselves can't sing their parts along with the accompaniment. They come in late, cut their recording short, film themselves from the nose down ... all kinds of fun. But it's coming along slowly.

December

 Christmas time is here. We bought our tree last night and put it up in the bay for the boughs to fall.

I wrote up our Christmas newsletter, as thin as our year has been.

Eliana has gone back to daycare, so with my eye surgeries in the mix, we can't see them. Buddy and Lindsay went traveling, so we can't see them either. They did get me some good videos and photos though.

Right-eye surgery is Monday, so I'm gearing up for that.

And I'm learning video editing for church and I'm getting a little better at it.

I have finished my steampunk novel. I edited it according to some of the suggestions from Sally, John Schoffstall, and Greg. Then I sent out two queries. One came back within 12 hours ~ rejection. 

Meanwhile, I'm working on Bryn's Ghost, and closing in on a closing for that.

After that, I'm going to turn to Merrilyn.

You'd think I was a writer or something.

I switched off Paroxetine for Celexa generic, and I find it doesn't keep away the monsters at night. I really have to train my brain onto more positive thoughts before bed. I keep dredging up the affair, and when I shoot it down, what follows is a litany of everything wrong with me, or every time I've shamed myself. It keeps me up nights.

I made the change so I could switch cancer meds from Anastrozole to Tamoxifen. That has worked out much better for me. Much less joint pain except for the right hip bone and hip joint, and the tip of two of my fingers (how weird is that? but they were the two I smashed and twisted in the lounge chair in Jamaica). I no longer feel queasy or vomit every week, and I'm a lot more continent. So, yay! 

Christmas has been busy for the brass band, so Jack is delighted. They're playing the Deptford Mall every weekend, a wedding for Joe Sino, and the Laurita Winery. I won't be going since I have to remain quarantined until my eyes are healed. 

We will probably not be having the Christmas Jack wants, with all the fam. He'll be so depressed! 

Remember, Remember

 The third of November ... we kicked out that miserable snot! Thank heaven, Biden has won the election, but at such a slender margin, it makes me sad to think half the country is that corrupt and stupid.

Mystic for my birthday was more glorious than I could have imagined. The weather was in the low 70s and sunny. I completely ignored my dieting and enjoyed food and outrageous desserts. We walked miles altogether, and we were the only ones at the Mohegan sky bar, so it was lovely for us.

I had cataract surgery, and naturally it didn't go well. They kept talking about a little discomfort, but I didn't count on the surgeon scratching my cornea. So that sucks, and I'm still in pain on the fourth day.

Halloween was wonderful too, albeit quiet. Lindsay outdid herself on costuming the Squeak as George Washington. She is amazing!

A Busy Autumn

 September continued on with all sorts of good times. Jack had another kidney stone that knocked him out for a few days. Meanwhile, I went to the BSGK picnic and basked in the wows of everyone who didn't recognize me 50 pounds down. We took a little trip to Peddler's Village overnight for Jack's birthday, which was really sweet. We tried to go to New Hope, but it started to rain and be miserable, so we came home. 

And we had another porch party with Gerry and the Deals in concert. Another huge success and lots of fun. Great to see the kids play!

They are so stinking adorable! I just want to hug them and squush them!

I came down with a sinus infection, so I'm now waiting on a covid test result.

And I'll be having cataract surgery that will also cure my astigmatism! That's exciting for me! I haven't been scheduled yet, but I guess that's coming up soon.

Meanwhile, my new foob, which was so well balanced with the other foob, has now descended below my bustline. Poop. I see the PS in 3 weeks to address that.

Still no exercise beyond walking and biking. I'm at 206 today. But I still look pretty good.

We've planned a weekend in Mystic for my birthday, so that's going to be wonderful!

A Sad Week

This was a very sad week. We learned last week that Lindsay's baby had died in utero. They scheduled an extraction for Tuesday, but then the surgical center called to say they couldn't do it that day and moved it to Thursday. Wednesday night / Thursday around 1 am, she had a miscarriage. They spent the night in the hospital.

It was a little boy, whom they named Ewan Warner (variants of John and Warren). They're treating him as a lost child and having cremation and services. I'm opposed to those kinds of things for the first trimester, when there's no viability for the fetus, but every mother has her own way.

My weight lost journey has come to a halt altogether. My frustration is causing me to snack more as well, which makes me mad at myself. I'm back to 201--it's only five pounds, but I wanted it to go DOWN. I just don't know what to do. Maybe try to add in more exercise without swimming yet.

My foobs are settling nicely now, but I'm still very sore. I don't know how much is a torn rotator cuff. I just know I hurt a lot!

New Foob

I had corrective surgery to remove my defective implant and reposition a new one. Scar tissue to the nth degree left my previous right implant stuck to my clavicle, so Dr. Butler had to scrape it out and clear away the excess tissue. But he also cupped out an area for the new implant to rest in that better aligns with my other breast implant, so I look normal now. He says that everything went fine, although I noticed that the surgery did take longer than he had anticipated, so I can only guess there was that much more excess than he had first estimated.

Surgery was the 30th. It's now Aug. 4, and I'm still running a low-grade fever and having some achy pain at the armpit area where the digging was done. I'm also still exhausted, more so because sleeping is difficult.

My weight is holding steady despite sneaking some no-nos to cheer myself up. Dr. Butler said he had never seen such a dramatic transformation in a patient before. He's amazed, he said. I'm proud of myself.

Now to bust through this plateau and get down to 180 by Christmas!

Meanwhile, Hurricane Isaias is sweeping through, flooding out the back yard and creating general havoc. And of course, covid 19 has begun its resurgence, although NJ is doing the best out of all the states as far as numbers and containment. The government actually wants to send kids and teacher back to school to kill off more of us. Honest to heaven, this president has no grasp on reality.

July Already

The LifeTime pool opened, so I've been managing to get some exercise in, which is good, as well as getting a good tan.

The tan lines will help Dr. Butler when he fixes my right foob. Yes, July 30 I go in to get my breast cavity scooped out and a new foob put in to match the left foob. I hope that's the last of the repair!

Meanwhile, the church has a new initiative they're experimenting with, and they've asked ME to learn video editing so that I can put these little messages together. I have been practicing on the kids.

Of course, the ones I will make for church aren't as drastic! But it's nice to learn a new skill.

Otherwise, summer is incredibly dull. We tried boating, since I bought us an inflatable boat to go down the river. Sadly, the boat isn't easily maneuvered, and it wsan't exactly a good time. But it was nice weather, nice water, and a nice meal at the Sweetwater afterwards.

Our July 4th on the Porch was a mild success. We made the front page of the Haddonfield Sun! Little Tori next door was our "Freedom Fairy" with red white and blue wings. So adorable!

So it's been a slow summer for us. Thank God, we still don't have covid 19, so we're very happy.

Gone Like the Mountains of the Moon at Dawn

And just like that, June is gone.

As we hoped, we are seeing the grandkids a lot more. Yay! And Eliana even says "Besta" now!

Chapter 8 is done. I picture another 3 or 4 chapters. I hope to be done this year. At least in the rough.

Easing on pandemic restrictions means we can finally go back to the pool! Another YAY! I swam for 15 minutes, then walked the pool for 750 paces.

But my weight is stuck at 200. Grrrr.

The Grands

They are so beautiful!

And I miss them a lot. But now that Jesse and Liz have gotten together multiple times with Buddy and Lindsay, I'm hoping it's very soon that they come here to play too. I'll buy a little pool like this one.

Life marches on. There are now about 100,000 dead of this virus that our moron-in-chief has said is a Democratic hoax. We remain safe, however, and thank God. I'm not writing a lot, and I should be, but I get so infuriated by that fat cockwomble that I get caught up arguing on Facebook with good friends who nevertheless are stupid enough to listen to right-wing nutjobs and conspiracy theorists. They actually feel that their sources' censuring is a sign they're telling the truth and the only ones with all the facts.

2020 Mothers Day

The covid-19 pandemic continues. We're doing fine, but i really wish I could just go places and at least hug my grandkids!

We went to Zoom church. Then the kids came over to surprise me with a Mexican Food Factory buffet. We had a wonderful time out on the front lawn, all socially distanced. Eliana wore her French dress, and it is as cute as I'd hoped it would be. Leighton had his pants on and his beret, but the shirt didn't fit him. Leighton seems to be auto-programmed to giggle as soon as he catches sight of anyone. He's absolutely delightful!

Tough time writing though. I just seemed tossed off track by everything. But it's time to get back to it.

Easter on the Porch

The neighbors asked Jack to hold an Easter service on our porch, so we sent out invites and had a wonderful turnout of 26 people--some by accident! just strolling by and decided to stay. Buddy, Lindsay and Leighton were there, but Jesse decided not to leave the house. It was a really wonderful worship!

I miss holding them!

I threw the diet out of whack with a sauerbraten dinner (that lasted four days) and wine. Honestly, I've drunk two bottles of wine a night twice now. Ooof. So I didn't get below 200 yet--still 5 pounds away. But I'm not as worried because with Easter over, I can get back to focusing on the diet. I'll get there.

A Week Later

Still quarantined, but it's not too bad. Jack's able to work from home. The weather has been raining every other day, and it's that high-40s steady rain that's always so miserable. Still, last Friday was in the high 70's, and we held a Cottage Avenue Porch Party. Neighbors came out on porches and Jack had his guitar. Buddy and Lindsay and Leighton also came by, Buddy with his drums, and Scott and Mare also came by. Eventually, all the neighbors gathered their porch chairs and came to the brick apron between houses, and we had a great time.

Trump is being a total douche, as are his evangelical cohorts, encouraging "full churches on Easter" -- as if he goes to church!

Meanwhile, people who know better talk of "flattening the curve," referring to the containing of the spread, but I think it's a little late for that. It's pretty bad on the front lines. I do thank God daily we're not infected.

Leighton has learned to crawl!

And Eliana discovered puddles and leaves. But the video is too big to upload.

I'm down to 204.6 pounds today. That's 42 pounds down! I may be below 200 for Easter after all!

COVID-19

We left the US just as Trump was telling people he might take some steps to contain the virus, but in all, it's just a Democratic hoax, it's perfectly under control, just like the letter was perfect, the transcript was perfect. Well, that wasn't a lie because those WEREN'T perfect, so things went out of control quickly.

We arrived in France on Saturday as Macron suggested staying indoors and maybe closing restaurants. We managed to get to the Rosny-sous-Bois train museum for my research, and quick back to the hotel get a dinner and a bottle of wine. Then all of Paris shut down.

Sunday we managed to buy a breakfast and a dinner. We walked from Denfert-Rochereau north, then took a bus to the Luxembourg gardens, then went to Notre Dame for some pictures, and finally home to the hotel, which was closed.

They let us in, but there was no dining, so we went to the supermarket next door to buy wine and sandwiches. Then the hotel manager came in and yelled at us because sitting in the dining area was forbidden. Wwe were so pissed at him we left our trash there.

But then we called Air France and got a flight out of Dodge.

By Monday morning everything had shut down in the city. The airport wasn't exactly a ghost town, but it wasn't a mess. Upon landing, passengers filled out a form about where we had been, and we turned that over to a CDC worker who took our temperatures as we deplaned.

Now we're home and quarantined.

Me Time, or No Me.

Jack has decided I can't go to France by myself to do my research. He needs to go with me.

I'm not happy about it.

He takes three fucking trips (literally) to England, and he justifies it by pointing out he sold his stash of Magic cards to pony up the funds. I'd like to point out that I stayed home and managed not to cheat on him. Isn't that worth something?

A trip I could have taken on the ultra cheap, now we have to spend twice the bucks. I wouldn't even have to pay much for food because of my diet foods, but now we have to have meals somewhere.

Bus tickets--twice as much.  Train tickets--twice as much. Bicycles--twice as much.

But more importantly, I have no me time. THAT'S what I needed most. Time to see what I'm seeing, jot down notes about it and maybe frame out some scenes. Do some sitting, talking to myself, writing.

I'm frankly pissed.