Post Christmas

 We had a wonderful Christmas after all. The kids got here around 8:30 and we had breakfast. Then the opening of the presents, which was absolute mayhem once the Snowball Fight in a Box was opened! Snowballs flew everywhere, and Eliana just shouted, "I LOVE IT!" every time she tossed balls at someone. Leighton was presented with his Jenkins tartan teddy bear, and he grabbed it, hugged it, and promptly lay his head down like he was going to nap! 

Then they all went home to nap their kids, and we got back together at Buddy's around 4. Eliana and Leighton are so wonderful together! Jesse played their little spinet and we sang carols, and everyone was crying, it was so beautiful!

Meanwhile, Greg Frost had a bit of time, and he made it very clear that he absolutely loved my novel. He made the most amazing comments on how to build it and improve it, a whole semester's worth of lessons in so few comments. He followed it up with illustrations from an artist that he likes, so the novel was on his mind. I spent about twenty hours reconciling his comments and rewriting according to the suggestions that I needed.

And it's now Sunday, and all is quiet.

And I hate wearing readers!

'Twas the Week before Christmas...

Once again I'm caught up in the Christmas PTSD, unable to dismiss the memories of the horrible discovery ten years ago that my husband would rather keep his girlfriend than his marriage. I think because of the switch in anti-depressant, it's hitting me hardest this year of all years.

I frankly hate all the Christmas fuss. I have ever since I realized at 14 that if I didn't make Christmas, it wouldn't happen. And if I did make it happen for my little brothers, it would happen without me. 

I never know what to get for Jack. Not anymore, anyway. There's nothing he wants or needs, he says. I say the same thing, only because every time I ever asked for something, he gave me something different--what he thought I should have instead of what I asked for. I've given up asking.

I am looking forward to Christmas morning with the grandkids. That's something positive, I suppose.

Much Better

Eye surgery went much better this time. I had a conversation with the anesthesiologist before time, and he was shocked to hear I wasn't numb for the last surgery. He thought I was exaggerating my sensitivity. I said, "Haven't you seen my rap sheet?" He said I'd been given Fentanyl, and I told him that won't work on me, and I could have told him that. so he promised to keep an eye out for me.

So they roll me into surgery and hook me up, and the nurse anesthetist says, "That'll relax you." and I said, "When?" She said, "You mean you don't feel that?" I said, "Nope."

She clearly doesn't believe me. With that, the nurse does the "tape the eye open" thing and I give a grimace and a groan. She said, "Did that hurt?" I said, "Yes, and the light is really painful!"

That's the last thing I remember! Yup. Surgery went off without a hitch. What a difference! No pain! Well, it's only one day out, and there's some inflammation, but no outright stabbing pain like my eyelids are slicing my eyeball.

I have a new computer. The last one, only four years old, just wouldn't stay up. It kept dumping me and rebooting itself. I'm busy reloading my programs and putting together a choir video for church. It's so hard to align all those individual vid clips so it looks like they're singing together. It's especially tough when the singers themselves can't sing their parts along with the accompaniment. They come in late, cut their recording short, film themselves from the nose down ... all kinds of fun. But it's coming along slowly.

December

 Christmas time is here. We bought our tree last night and put it up in the bay for the boughs to fall.

I wrote up our Christmas newsletter, as thin as our year has been.

Eliana has gone back to daycare, so with my eye surgeries in the mix, we can't see them. Buddy and Lindsay went traveling, so we can't see them either. They did get me some good videos and photos though.

Right-eye surgery is Monday, so I'm gearing up for that.

And I'm learning video editing for church and I'm getting a little better at it.

I have finished my steampunk novel. I edited it according to some of the suggestions from Sally, John Schoffstall, and Greg. Then I sent out two queries. One came back within 12 hours ~ rejection. 

Meanwhile, I'm working on Bryn's Ghost, and closing in on a closing for that.

After that, I'm going to turn to Merrilyn.

You'd think I was a writer or something.

I switched off Paroxetine for Celexa generic, and I find it doesn't keep away the monsters at night. I really have to train my brain onto more positive thoughts before bed. I keep dredging up the affair, and when I shoot it down, what follows is a litany of everything wrong with me, or every time I've shamed myself. It keeps me up nights.

I made the change so I could switch cancer meds from Anastrozole to Tamoxifen. That has worked out much better for me. Much less joint pain except for the right hip bone and hip joint, and the tip of two of my fingers (how weird is that? but they were the two I smashed and twisted in the lounge chair in Jamaica). I no longer feel queasy or vomit every week, and I'm a lot more continent. So, yay! 

Christmas has been busy for the brass band, so Jack is delighted. They're playing the Deptford Mall every weekend, a wedding for Joe Sino, and the Laurita Winery. I won't be going since I have to remain quarantined until my eyes are healed. 

We will probably not be having the Christmas Jack wants, with all the fam. He'll be so depressed!