So Damned Tired

Last December, we got a timely postcard from "G," Jack's code for Peta. Short for GB, Gorgeous Brit. In it, she obliquely mentioned showing up in Jamaica, just as she showed up in Kirkrade back in 2013.

After many tears and fierce threats, I was convinced Jack wasn't lying when he said he had had no contact with her, and he tore up the postcard. Meanwhile, I sent the following tweet to her:

Any chance I can get you to find a new life? You're not getting any younger, and he's not going anywhere without me.

On Monday, while we were up in Ithaca at our cabin in the woods, I get this tweet in return:

You tweeting his other exes or just me? I'd be more angry abt a so called friend than a Welsh stranger. Maybe the intensity or over 8yrs? Sad you selfishly cared 0 abt J's feelings. Life's amazing thanks! Age goes up but body still a fit, healthy, pretty sexy 110lb & mind mid30s!

PS sorry for the super late reply but I rarely log in here. You do realise that J made all the moves, not vice versa??

When I showed Jack, he said, "Block her. Just block that bullshit."

And there it was: No denial, just "block it out of our minds, let's forget it all." But two things strike me in that tweet: "a so called [sic] friend" and "cared 0 abt Jack's feelings."

The latter, of course, is nothing but irony, but the first forces me to acknowledge that when he said Peta was the only time he ever cheated on me, he lied. And I am so damned tired of coming across his lies.

Too Much Power

 I have given too much power over to that woman. Christmastide was joyless except for the family being here all day. I love them so much! But the excitement and anticipation and the care of decorating the house and wrapping gifts was just not there. All I could remember was that first Christmas after discovering the affair. I asked for a diamond ring for commitment, and then find him the day after chatting with her again. He couldn't give her up. Slinking around for another couple of months, even through counseling. Then she showed up in Kirkrade unbeknownst to me and the two of them spent days fucking while I was hanging around waiting for him.

I cry every single night. I relive the pain of discovery, the pain of betrayal, the pain of doubt and suspicion. I wonder if I did the right thing staying. I have a very deep fear she will show up in Jamaica.

I think I should talk to my doctors about a different anti-depressant.