Flashbacks

Last night, Jack went up to turn off the fans in the 3rd-floor windows. For some reason it took him over 20 minutes.

Today, he's been anxious about keeping his phone near him, and he's going out to stores without me.

These are the signs. I hate thinking this way, but there it is.

Status Quo

Life is good.
We go places together, we gym together and he loves it, I'm losing weight slowly but surely, and I get to swim. I don't even have sores to pick at anymore. I'm getting tired of watching tv, but I don't feel like doing anything else. Not yet.

Memory

Memory sucks. Especially memories of things I didn't see happen. At night, I keep thinking of Peta showing up at our room in Kerkrade and him just leaving me there asleep while he goes off with her.

And it bothers me that I spent 4 years not knowing he was continuing this relationship. The number of times I asked him if he'd heard from her and he said, "Not a word." How carefully he must have erased everything.

And now he knows he just has to be more careful. So when it happens again, I'll never know. So the bottom line is, I'll never know. I can ask, but I'll never know if he's lying.

That's hurts more than being betrayed, I think, because it's the rest of my life, the rest of our marriage that's affected.

October 1

A great day with some Blue Rock folks! It was a great time for me. Got to play good stuff, and got to play solo.

More Fun Days

We went to the Franklin Institute to see the exhibit on the Terracotta Warriors. Then we lunched at Trio and went to the gym. I swam for an hour and it felt great! These are good days.