Memory

Memory sucks. Especially memories of things I didn't see happen. At night, I keep thinking of Peta showing up at our room in Kerkrade and him just leaving me there asleep while he goes off with her.

And it bothers me that I spent 4 years not knowing he was continuing this relationship. The number of times I asked him if he'd heard from her and he said, "Not a word." How carefully he must have erased everything.

And now he knows he just has to be more careful. So when it happens again, I'll never know. So the bottom line is, I'll never know. I can ask, but I'll never know if he's lying.

That's hurts more than being betrayed, I think, because it's the rest of my life, the rest of our marriage that's affected.