Christmas Aftermath

We had a lovely Christmas week.

Jack and I put the tree up Thursday, and he lit it Friday. Then we decorated Friday. It's gorgeous.

I had put together a sauerbraten for Sunday, and Jesse and Liz came for lunch with Eliana. She was in wonderful form! We had a great day. After they left, we cleaned for Christmas. It was a wonderful day.

On Tuesday, we prepped the day, and then we had a visit from Greg Candy, AHS class of 72 with us. We headed to Buddy's for the open house, and then to the Williamses'.

Christmas was lovely. I made a simple lunch of sliders and a veggie lasagne. Beautiful time opening gifts. Eliana squealed and babbled despite having a horrible cold. Bud and Lindsay went to the Millers' and the rest of us headed to my brother Scott and Mare's. A wonderful time.

Now we clear the way for the party.

Step Two

I'm officially scared.

I hear conflicting reports from different women. One says to prepare for 6 months of recovery. Another says I'll be up and about in 6 weeks.

So officially, I have no idea what to expect, and I shouldn't expect anything. That scares me.

More Poop

As I predicted, the biopsy showed cancer in the right breast as well. This report doesn't indicate whether the sample is reactive to hormones, so there's a chance I will need chemo.  I'll know more when I talk to Brooks after the holidays.

The upside is, maybe I can get bigger boobs!

Getting ready

Got a chest Xray in prep for surgery on Thursday, and then a biopsy on the right breast Friday. That one hurt. The lidocaine didn't take effect while she was snipping off samples. Then the bra stuck to the adhesive and caused a bad rash.

And the bruising is a lot worse as well. Hurts and is swollen.
Boo hiss.

We've decided to go ahead with the Christmas party. Not that I feel up to it. I don't feel up to anything. In fact, I slept a full 15 hours last night, from 9 til noon. Ridiculous.

Today we spent shopping for Eliana and the kids, and finishing up the mailing.

The 411

So here's how it all played out:

I have Stage II invasive ductal cancer. I may not need radiation, and the hormone therapy has a number of ranges of medications so we'll have to figure out which is optimal once we know where we're headed.

As for surgery, that got challenging because of the MRI results.

The MRI showed that both breasts have questionable areas along with the initial lump in the left one. They are non-mass, but they light up the MRI so they're going to need to be biopsied as well. I've scheduled the ultra-sound biopsy for Friday morning, and then we'll need an MRI biopsy. Those results will determine whether I need a lumpectomy or mastectomy or bilateral mastectomy. Whichever it is, it will be scheduled for mid-January, after we get back from Jamaica.

That's where I am now!

And So It Begins

Today I begin the cancer journey with an MRI. I chose this as my ensign:

The weekend was wonderful. We babysat a very happy and chatty Eliana on Saturday along with Maureen and Fred. On Sunday, ABB was at Laurita and so were 14 Golden Knights brothers and sisters! So much fun to be with them!

I had a blue moment last night, but it was basically self-pity, and nothing really to be anxious about.

That remains to be seen.

Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care?

I'm very pleased to read in my research that the first question women ask when faced with breast cancer is not "Will I die?" "Can it be cured or cut out?" "What will happen to my breasts?"; rather, it's "Will I lose all my hair?"

I say that because it's the one thing I'm most worried about. Pretty vain.

I did research what a breast looks like after surgery. As I assumed, it's hideous. Even worse after a mastectomy, if it comes to that.

Jack loves tits. It's his main entry into porn, and he even confessed it to Peta, making her worried he wouldn't like her since hers were not large.

So how does he get rewarded for coming back to me? I lose mine.

An odd kind of karma, perhaps. I've already got a poor self-image, so losing my breasts won't do much more damage to my ego. But it condemns him to a titless marriage.

Now more than ever I feel like I have to lose weight so that I have some sort of appeal.

There are times I hate myself.

ABB Tour

We left home on a snowy (4 inches!) Nov. 15 to head to Manchester. The plane was delayed, as we suspected it would be, but we landed Friday morning around 10:30, and loaded up a bus that wasn't really big enough to handle all of us and our equipment. So we plodded on to a grand hotel near Crewe to join the TCTC Group band in concert that night.

The next day we headed on to Gateshead for the Brass in Concert. Another amazing hotel and a beautiful view of Newcastle across the river. The band fared poorly, chiefly because they took the advice of a consultant from England and simply played all the wrong music. Their show was just not entertaining.

We left the next day for the Huddersfield area where again we performed in tandem with their band, Meltham and Meltham Mills, in a beautiful and ancient church. The next day we left for Edinburgh, a 5-hour trip that took us 9 1/2 hours.

Jack and I spent a cold and rainy day touring Edinburgh Castle, and riding the sightseeing bus. The castle is huge ... HUGE ... and set upon a huge volcanic mount. Everything is up and down, and without my CBD capsules (they didn't arrive before we left), everything is painful. We paused to rest at The White Hart, the oldest pub in Edinburgh where Coleridge, Wordsworth, and others of the Romantic era met. it was not at all touristy, and I had a mulled wine.

But Thanksgiving dinner was held as a banquet in Dalhousie Castle, a relatively small castle-cum-venue. We were properly piped in by the house steward, and served turkey roulade, dauphinoise potatoes, stewed roots, baby brussels, and cornbread cake. The soup was carrot with coriander -- delicious!

Amid all of this, it hasn't sunk in that I have breast cancer. I had one moment of sadness when I realized I'll probably lose my hair, just when it's looking so luxuriant. I suppose I have time to let it all hit me between now and Christmas.

Well, More Poop

Cancer.

But "the good kind." Whatever that means!

See the surgeon Dec. 12 for a consult.

Waiting

I managed to move my biopsy to Monday with Penn Medicine. So I might get results before I leave for the UK, but at least I won't be AS sore for the flight.

I met my new GP at Aetna's R-Health Medicine. I really like her. She's young and she appreciates that I know myself, my body, and my health situations.

Poor Liz is really upset at the prospect of going back to work. She asked if I would sit for them, but she wants me to do it there, and I just can't leave the dogs for that long a period of time. But she doesn't want anyone else driving with her baby in the car. She's a mess.

The fine members of Bracken Cavaliers have nominated me to be Vice-President. Well, at least one did. I don't know what that position entails, but who knows if I'd even be elected.

Bracken has a parade today -- it's a freaking 42 degrees out there, and windy! Grrrr.

Happy Birthday, Billy

Jack bought a new car for me! She's a beautiful white gold Escape with all sorts of bells and whistles. I'll call her Galadriel.

On the down side of today, the scans showed that the lump is not a cyst; it's a mass.

And I can't get in for a biopsy until next Tuesday, and we leave for the UK on Thursday.

Sucks to be me today!

Poop

November 1. I found a lump in my breast.

I set up all the necessary appointments. The gyn secretary chided me for waiting 5 years since my last mammogram, since I was supposed to get one every six months.

We also got the cash value for the car, which is totaled. $5200. Jack wants to buy a limper until we pay off the Escape. Then we'll buy into a new car, probably another Escape.

Still have a headache from the crash.

Bam Smash

 

I was driving away from Vagabonds rehearsal when the car in front of me slowed to a stop. I stopped too (of course). The Durango behind me didn't. It ended up in my trunk. I got rammed into the car in front of me. No damage to us two, but the Durango and my trunk were interlocked.

And because I had no bruising, cuts, or blatant injuries, the cops left me there! It was raining. I was cold. Thankfully Buddy came for me. Jack was in the ER, but they sprung him just as AAA towing came up. We met up at Holman, and Buddy took all my stuff home while Jack took me to the ER to get checked out.

No concussion, but my head hurts horribly, as does my left eye when I turn my head to the left, and my right shoulder and right side of my neck are wrenched up nice and tight.

We really can't afford a new car right now, but it looks like there goes my IRA.

Stones!

Jack began suffering from a kidney stone last Sunday, and all week long he's been in and out of agony. We went to the ER, and it showed a 3mm. stone. Small, but not so small it doesn't hurt. Luckily, he has a stash of Percocets.

But weirdly enough, I also had a stone start bouncing around in my left kidney! Bugger all. I don't get the intense pain that he does, but it is annoying. And I don't have Percorcets.

Brother Ed is here for his Cape May Raptor week, and his friend Martin will be joining us. We all went over to see Eliana, and she squealed with delight to see us. I got some picture of Ed holding her, and we sent them to Gerry. She didn't quite believe it.

Ed didn't look well. He moves slowly, and his left hand trembles uncontrollable. He admitted that he suffered a stroke a few years ago, and the tremble is Parkinson's syndrome, not disease. He says it is what it is, and won't get worse. I'm just really concerned about him.

A little more progress on the novel. I have to get moving on it.

Happy

I'm happy.

It's odd, but I do feel happy, and people are telling me how wonderful I look!

I think it's because I'm off Celebrex and Tylenol. I don't know. But I've been active for the past two weeks!

October Country

I don't know how over a month has gone by without a blog post.

Let's see...

Weight is going down about a pound a week, so I'm now at 219.8. At this rate, I'll be down to 210 at Christmas. I would love for it to go faster, but at least it's going.

I try to swim 3 times a week for over an hour, and then do some aerobic work for 15-20 minutes in the pool.

I'm also using a program called Noom, which keeps me focused. Of course, I'm also paying for that privilege, so I have to learn those behaviors before my app runs out.

In August, my gastro doc told me I had to stop taking all my arthritis medication. Yowch. But many people recommended taking CBD oil, which is cannabidiol. It's expensive as heck, but within a few days almost all my arthritis pain was gone except for my knees and my sacroilliac joints. So now I'm finishing up the knee injections again, and I'm going to get injections in my butt (!) for the SI joints to see if that helps.

Marilyn Bennett, one of my AOL writing partners, is here for an accidentally extended visit. She was here for three days, which I took off to go galavanting. However, 10 minutes after she got on the road last week, her transmission crashed, so she's here until Firestone can get her up and running again.

And Eliana is getting absolutely adorable!

Summer's Ending Soon

Jack took yesterday off, and we spent the day at the pool. I'm browner than I've ever been, though I don't know if that's a good thing. Still, there's nothing like lounging and swimming, lounging and swimming. It has been a glorious summer that way.

I haven't gotten much done, although I've done more than I have most summers. Got my computer desk superficially clean. I still have to go through the stuff that's in the drawers. Then I cleaned off the first shelf and got rid of the school textbooks and old paper. Well, didn't get rid of yet, since it's sitting on the table in the living room waiting for me to do that.

Wendy Delmater Thies wants me to become her fiction editor for Abyss & Apex online magazine. No pay, I'm sure, but significant status.

My weight is down to 226.8 today. I'm liking the fact that it's going down. I miss eating though. It's all fruit fruit fruit all day. I would love a huge mass of chocolate cake topped with a hot fudge sundae.

The CBD oil is helping with the arthritis pain, although my knees I think are irreparable. We'll find out next week when we both go see Dr. Gupta at the Rothman Institute again.

England is approaching, and I don't like it one bit.

Pain Sucks

Last Thursday, Dr. Davidoff called to say that not only do I have a fatty liver, but also steatohepatitis, meaning some of the liver is damaged, maybe permanently. He said I can no longer take any NSAID or other arthritis medication.

So since Friday morning, I have been in incredible pain in my feet, my knees, my hips, my neck, and my hand, all of which has given me a tension headache.

I bought cannibidiol, cbd oil, based on recommendations from a lot of people I know with similar pain. It comes in flavors, and I chose vanilla, but it doesn't taste like vanilla; it tastes like I'm chewing on leaves. It's awful. I put it in my banana shake, which gives it a bad aftertaste but at least ameliorates the nasty a bit.

Meanwhile, today I need to see the doc to get hepatitis A and B vaccinations. I'll talk to him about pain relief too.

I got to babysit Eliana yesterday while Jesse and Liz went out to brunch. It's their last week home together. Eliana was cluster feeding, just like Buddy, every 45 minutes or so, but then she fell asleep on me about an hour before they got home. It was nice.

The sun is finally out after five days of rain. And I'm finally down to 228, so back to the pool for more exercise.

A year

It's a year since I came back home. I think things are so much better between us. I really pray I'm not wrong.

This has been a nice summer. We go to the pool almost every day. Can't believe how tan I am. It's so nice even just lying on a lounger next to him. And I love swimming up to him and kissing.

I want so much to ask him if she's contacted him other than that postcard. I just don't want to give him a chance to lie.

Had a wonderful Friday. Wendy Delmater Thies stopped in for a visit on her way to NY. We chatted all day. It was funny, at one point she asked me why I feel we're friends. I laughed, thinking back to the night we met. We talked together for hours, perfect strangers / immediate friends. So much fun.

Got two immediate goals: clean up my computer corner and start pushing for 1000 words a day again.

Going to try to make that happen.

And here's Eliana!

Argh

Brand new granddaughter, and I've got a cold! Grrrr.

Eliana Sylvia

Born July 10, 2018, 6:18 am, 8.0 lbs. I want to see her face!

Here she is!

Family!

A lot of family events recently. Aunt Jean died, and the gathering for her remembrance was a lovely time reconnecting with Jolan and Joe, and Richard and Cheryl. Some of the pictures even depicted our house, since Aunt Jean had lived here for quite some time as a teen.

This week, the memorial celebration for Cousin Bud was held here at the home, since Bud also lived here for quite some time while going to college. There were kids, grandkids, and greats, representing every branch of Charles Edward Deal I's family tree. The daughter of Charles Edward III (Bud) left a portion of his ashes here, and we set them under the party tree.

This morning, Jesse texted us to say Liz's water broke. At the hospital, they gave her a pill to induce labor, so off we go!

Exciting times!

Cannot F-ing Get Past This

Jack received a postcard from China, signed "Georgia"--which was Peta's code name short for "Gorgeous."

She raved about how much he would enjoy all the hiking there.

Said, "Sorry I missed you in Stuttgart, but I'll see you at Ramsgate. (Kerkrade again?)"

I'm trying to believe him that he hasn't been in touch with her. Well, no. That's not true. I'm ignoring everything he says about it unless he's answering straightforward questions like, "Why Georgia?" (He was G.A. Burke - short for "Gorgeous American Bloke.)

This upcoming England trip will be a nightmare now. One long nightmare starting from the day she mailed that postcard.

June Weekend

This was an odd weekend.

Lindsay and a friend had planned a baby shower for Liz on a weekend they knew I would be away. (so sorry). So I canceled my plans to go to Kentucky with Jack to the Great American Brass Band Festival. Then I found out they weren't inviting any of Jack's relatives, so I shifted my plans to go to Wildwood for the drum corps gatherings, and I'd have the relatives here at the summer party.

All was fine, and I made plans to go down to WW Friday night to see Dub perform at Kelly's, and go down Saturday again for the parade and the concert with BSGK.

Then last Sunday the boys both said they expected me at the shower. I was truly bummed my Saturday was ruined, since that's the day everyone is down there.

Then two days before Kentucky, Jack's back went out. He was home for the weekend.

I did go down Friday night to see Dub, but very few others showed up at Kelly's while I was there. I went to the shower and Jack came as well, where we didn't know many people there and it looked like we hadn't given them anything although we didn't mind since people who mattered knew better. Still, I wanted to go to WW after the shower, but then it opened up and stormed like mad, huge downpours, and I thought it would be better to stay with the dogs and keep them comforted.

But Friday night, for 6 short hours, I was without Jack, and I loved it. I saw people I wanted to see, I even got to talk about the affair to someone who wasn't involved too much -- Dub's wife Patti. It was so good to express myself again. Jack will be angry if Dub finds out, but I don't care. I just felt free for the first time.

Not Blogging Much

I haven't blogged for a bit. The fact is, I've been busy, and happily so. I went to the GAS reunion, where I had a really good time with old friends and made some new ones. I also got a new arrangement for both my corps for Sweet Caroline. That was the weekend of May 4-6.

Then we got tuned up to play with Blessed Sacrament on May 12. I'm definitely getting better with my breathing.

Then this past weekend was Cellucci's daughter's wedding, down in DC. And wow, it was lovely, although I'd never ever seen bridesmaids dressed in black. The reception was held at "Top of the Town," a penthouse across the Potomac from the Lincoln, so there was this magnificent view of the mall.

Sadly, the weather was gray, rainy, and foggy. It stopped raining, so we could go out on the balcony to get pictures. It was absolutely lovely.

I'm enrolled in this weight-assistance program called Noom, which works as an app on the phone keeping in daily contacts, more than once a day. It reminds me to log my meals, tells me how many steps I've taken (so long as I keep my phone with me at all times, which I can't always do), and gives all sorts of information and tips for self-control.

So far, I gained 5 pounds, and for the first time I weigh more than 240 pounds. I'm sick of myself. When I started on this journey of weight loss, I weighed 220. I haven't gotten below 217, and since January I just kept gaining.

The CPAP was supposed to help me lose weight. So far, I've had 4 weeks of sleeping 8 or 9 hours a night, and no loss. I'm not going to call it quits yet, but ....

Yah. Right.

Yah, no weight lost. Figures. But I'm working out still, and moving more, so there's that. Did 90 minutes in the pool tonight, which my NOOM app tells me paid off the calories I ate with that tub of Nor'easter Potholes ice cream, which was AWESOME.

I'm CPAPing nightly, and sleeping pretty well. I just hate looking like a teletubby
with the hose out the top of my head.

I head to Binghamton, NY, for the Greater Alliance of Seniors -- a reunion of old-school drum corps people. I'm playing with Archie in return for a room. I mean, I still have to pay for the room, but at least I get one. Probably won't get to blog in again until after the weekend.

I don't have a weekend free again until June 23. May 12 is a show with BSGK in Reading, May 19 is Cellucci's daughter's wedding in VA, May 26 is Atlantic Brass at the shore, June 2 is Wildwood / Liz's shower, June 9 is Gettysburg, June 16 is our summer party.  SHEESH!

And I've done jack-squat in my novel. I wanted to have it finished by now. I'm stuck mostly because I'm afraid to move forward. I wanted some advice this far in. I was hoping Carol Gyzander would step up, but she hasn't yet. Maybe I should give her a nudge.

Meanwhile, spring has finally sprung! It was gorgeous out there today! And I do WANT to do some more gardening. I did weed out the front garden. Tomorrow, I want to plant some seeds in different areas. I have lavender and cleome. I'm going to try to clear out the triangle at our property edge by the back gate to put the lavenders in. Then I don't know where to put the cleome where the dogs won't trample it, so maybe the front walk, off to the side where I've always wanted something, but nothing ever lasted. Cleome is pretty much a weed, so it SHOULD work.

I hope I have the stamina!

Saturday

A gorgeous Saturday. Jack decided to do a lot of yard work, and expected me to keep up with him. I didn't. I did a poop patrol, and I gathered up sticks so the lawn could be mown. He worked himself into a froth from 8 am till 3 pm. I cannot imagine him retiring. It will be a nightmare.

But I also made 2 dozen omelet muffins and set up the pulled pork. Yummy stuff.

I really ache and ache today. I don't know why. I think my knee gel is wearing off, and my feet are killing me.

The CPAP machine says I slept 10.2 hours last night. It  keeps me up. It took me 2 hours to fall asleep.

I bought into a weight control app called NOOM. It talks to me to remind me to do stuff, I guess like a FitBit would. It doesn't demand a lot. I log what I eat and read articles. I did lose 3 pounds in the last few days. We'll see. I don't have a lot of faith in it, but I'll keep at it along with the gym.

All By Myself

Jack's in Germany, so I have the days to myself. I went swimming for a whole hour in peace and quiet. It felt great. Leisurely ~ that's how I roll.

I also committed to training Corbin on leash, so I bought a claw collar or whatever they're called. It seemed to work in demo, so I'm going to practice with him now that the weather is turning.

And I signed up for something called NOOM, which is supposed to be a weight-loss community that will change the way I move and eat.

Then I went out and had two gyros and a jamocha shake at Arby's, which I'm pretty sure isn't on the NOOM menu, but I felt like it.

Such a busy day! What to do, what to do.

Pretty cool thing happened Saturday. It was Reilly Raider's show, and I had Bracken AND BSGK. Reading Bucs were also there, so we got to spend a few minutes with Cellucci! And while I was talking with Tommy, Diane from Bracken came up and began gushing about the work I've done with Bracken to Tommy. I was pretty chuffed! It's nice to feel valued.

Moving Forward

It occurred to me last night that I was pretty content. And today I feel a bit happy even.

Life Continues

We went to NABBA and had a good weekend. I did something I probably shouldn't have by telling Don about Jack's affair. He took it like Don would -- "Okay." and a wag of his head. The band was phenomenal Saturday night, and the crowd was on its feet before the last chord. It was more than electric, it was downright radioactive. Fantastic performance. They took second because of a bad bit of trombones on Friday.

Now it's time to gear up for drum corps. I have a show with Blessed Sacrament and Bracken on the 21st. And I don't have the air or lip for either. But I'll get there and do the job.

I haven't been writing though, and I do need to push that now. It's ridiculous that I'm halfway through the novel and can't seem to push forward. It's not laziness. It's avoidance, for sure. Fear, a little.

Definitely depression too. I haven't showered since last Friday, and this is Tuesday. Shame on me, but I don't care.

Life continues.

Uncertainty

I was really happy when Cindy Fulgham texted the other day and asked to go to breakfast. Joan Mattson would join us. I've been looking forward to it. It was good to talk to them. Just talk. I did tell them about Jack. Joan was concerned: "What are you doing for you?"

I did actually bring up my biggest fear to Jack the other night. We were lying in bed and I said, "I'm really scared to go to England." He said, "Me too." He wasn't sure whether to send her a note in advance telling her to stay away or not. I told him not. We talked about it at a good length. I felt really good afterwards. I felt like he's honestly here.

But there are still times I'm uncertain.

Health Hell

I have been having so many problems with breathing since January.

I've actually had some issues for the past year. It seemed like any sudden shift of focus made me pant for air.

But after the Texas trip, I have not been able to finish sentences, which has been exhausting. So I went to a pulmonologist, who put me on a quick fix first to see where it got me. The nasal spray worked really well for fixing my sinuses, but the albutirol didn't do a thing for me, and in fact, I felt like I was getting worse. So I called and he ordered a blood test and a chest x-ray, asked for my cardiology records, and I went right away and saw him immediately after. My chest is clear, my lungs are clear, my heart is in great shape. 

So he brings up sleep apnea. And I told him I know I have it. But he told me something I didn't know about apnea. Apnea causes you to wake up, and waking up pushes two hormones (I forget which ones he named) that causes fat to be stored around the upper torso to protect the heart and lungs and organs. And it's true that I have more fat above my waistline than below, so that makes sense to me. And his theory is that the fat is pressing on my lungs and diaphragm. 

So I am getting a methochlori-something test which checks for asthma triggers and lung strength or something. I'm also getting a sleep analysis because he needs the test results in order to prescribe a mask or whatever.

I can't imagine wearing a CPAP mask. I hate things on my face. But if it will put me to sleep before my legs start kicking or the mask drives me nuts, I won't mind.

He also gave me a different inhaler, which seems to be helping a little at a time.

"And so it goes."


Update: the asthma test was negative. Yay me.

Made a New Memory

I found a Groupon for snowtubing at Blue Mountain Resort in the Poconos. $22 for two people to tube for 3 hours on a Friday morning. Last Friday was the only Friday we could have made it, and wouldn't you know the forecast was 50s and raining. But Jack thought I had paid the full price of $70 so he said let's do it anyway. So we did.

We had the best time! Tubing is awesome! We went down spinning, we went down on our bellies, we went down hooked together, we went down together in a giant tube ... It was awesome!

It's the first thing we've done together that's new. Lots of fun!

I really want to talk to someone though. I feel that way more and more.

It might be the pain of a triple root canal. I got that on Thursday, and it's still hurting today, Sunday.

And I miss worship and good prayer too. I'm not finding it on tv. I want to go to church, but not with Jack--not yet. And definitely not at Audubon UMC.

I'm a bit of a mess.

Valentine's Day

Big Deal. So What?

Super Bowl Win

Had a ball with my brother Gregg and his girlfriend watching the SuperBowl at a local bar. I had planned to have a party here, but he insisted he wanted to be at a local bar. I'm glad I listened to him. We had a wonderful time for almost 8 straight hours in front of a wall of tvs. The Eagles beat the Patriots, which is long a-coming. It was a wonderful tit-for-tat game with amazing surprises, like QB Foles running in a TD pass, and Tom Brady being strip-sacked at the last 30 seconds so they couldn't get any closer. It was just the best football game I've ever seen, and even better that the Eagles won the SB.

The only down moment was just at half-time, Eagles had just scored and were way ahead, and suddenly I realized I couldn't breathe. It wasn't just excitement; I couldn't catch a breath.

I headed home to get the inhaler and I thought I'd watch the game end at home. But the inhaler didn't do a whole heck of a lot, and at the start of the 3rd quarter, the Patriots caught up. I figured out I'd better get back to the bar so the Eagles could win. And they did!

But the fact that the lack of air came on so suddenly made me change my plans for the rest of the month. I'm not going anywhere by myself until this is figured out.

I'm not dead yet

Saw a pulmonologist yesterday for my shortness of breath / pneumonia follow-up. He's pursuing the idea that allergies are inflaming my nasal passages, causing post-nasal drip, causing some kind of bronchial flare-up or asthma. I have wheezing in my exhale extremes. The inhale-exhale tests were really poor -- I made it to a 3, out of 10, but I couldn't sustain the exhale long enough to register. It took me four tries.

Just another minor thing wrong.

Sucky Day

I've had a toothache on and off for five years, ever since I got a crown to replace a metal filling on an old root canal. So today I went to the dentist to insist he figure out what's what. He decided to remove the crown and regrind the base and then later do another root canal to make sure. And he's charging me for a full root canal!

And it hurts like hell.

Plus, my blood work came back with bad sugar and cholesterol, so the doctor wants me to go on a diabetic diet. I don't even know what that is, except maybe more veggies and fish. And he says more exercise, walking every day.

All news that sucks.

Normality

It's good to be back home.

I haven't really talked about my feelings with Jack, about how to go about trusting -- really trusting -- again. He does hug me a lot more and tell me how much he loves me and is "here." That helps.

I'm purging my closets, too! After spending ten days in that house, barely able to move, fearing for my life as things piled up threatened to crush me.

Visited the doctor about my shortness of breath ever since that November incident, and especially since the pneumonia. He's sending me to a pulmonologist.

And I'm heading for bloodwork as well. I'll get up early tomorrow and head out on an empty stomach.

Steps to wellness of a kind.

Panic Attack

It’s late. I’m in Texas. I have pneumonia. I’m frustrated as hell that my sister is a psychotic woman and her husband is a moron with paranoid delusions. 

But worst of all I am angry at Jack for fucking the last 7 years of my life and there’s nothing I can do about it. Once again I come back to the realization that there is nothing he can say or do that I can believe or believe in. 

I’m panicking over this. I’m so alone and frightened. 

Right now I hate him and I want my husband back. 

2018

After a lovely lovely time at the Farrells' for their NYD celebration, I start a new year at the gym.

Please, oh please, let this happen!~