Going Numb

It bothers me all the time that he could lie to me all these years. It takes a true sociopath. I doubt myself over and over, and I doubt him more.

Everything is proceeding as normal, as it always had been. So how do I know he's being true? I don't. That bothers me, and it makes me exhausted.

Better

I've returned to our bed. But more than that, Jack has come back into my life. He joined the gym with me, and we've been there five times together. We've had a lot of fun, and we've even had a bit of sex. It feels like we're back to better than normal.  He's trying very hard to please me.

It's actually helping that he asks me to set goals for the day because I tend to do them. Working with him is better than not working at all.

I'm not sure how I feel intellectually about this, but I'm content now. That makes a world of difference.

Date Night

We're going to dinner at no place fancy and then to a concert of McCartney music, with Jesse and Liz. It promises to be a nice night. Here's hoping!

Mellowing

Today was a pretty good day for us-ness.

First, I wasted 5 hours with the depression study, only to be told that I didn't qualify. Fine. At least they gave me $75 for my time.

But I came home, napped a bit until my legs began kicking. Jack was also at home: his back was bothering him a lot.

We practiced repertoire, had a nice dinner, then settled down to watch a movie, Midnight in Paris. That brought back good memories and we cuddled a bit. I put my 2nd wedding ring back on. I was tempted to return to the bed, but I decided not to.

Of course, now that I'm in bed up here by myself do I remember that the last time we were in Paris, he had just spent the week screwing Peta in Kerkrade. And it burns. It burns that he can get so romantic about Paris and it doesn't bother him in the least. I could hit him upside the head.

He Said; She Said

Last night he wrote this:

You are asking me to be patient and I am trying my best. I have never been good at patience.

I miss you.

It was always going to bed alone that opened the window for me to view porn on my phone. I am not doing that nor will I do that.

I know I've hurt you and I probably can't comprehend how much you are suffering but I want you to know that I have hurt myself as well. I ache from what I have done and from what I had become. I am past that now. Knowing what that behavior led to, I will never go back.

I want us both to move forward and work on healing this. I am willing to do whatever it takes to heal this but just being patient isn't something I can do. I'm not asking you to come to bed with me now ( though I would like that) but I am asking you to move forward with me. That's why I made sure the exercise equipment came up because I want a long life together and our present health course is not leading us there.

I know you are committed to this and that you love me, otherwise you wouldn't have gone to see Derek and especially wouldn't have endured Social Security 

I'm sending this anyway, even though you heard me say it.

I love you

Your Jack

To which, I answered:

I'm not sure what you're asking of me in this note. It sounds like you're saying you can't be patient. Jack, it took me five years, and I still couldn't get past my doubts. And that was while I believed you were being faithful. Now you tell me you spent a week screwing another woman while I was waiting for you in your bed, and you kept up the relationship with her for the next four years -- and you feel lonely in bed now? do you realize how that sounds? That's not impatience; it's disrespect and arrogance. You deserve to be alone, but I am here, fighting for what we can hold on to.

Right now, every time you touch me or tell me you love me, I can only think of you doing the same to her. You think I'm not angry? I am outraged! I am sick with anger. But when I express anger, you get defensive and argue that you weren't doing anything wrong by calling and texting her. So no, I'm not going to yell or call you names or throw anything in your face. Yes, I hurt a lot. I just had 7 years of my life ripped away. But if I cry, it's not because I'm hurt so much as I am furious and can't do a thing about it. Nothing will give me back those 7 years.

Every good memory I have of the past years is now rotted and disgusting, knowing you couldn't wait to sneak off and call her or text her. You can protest all you want that it didn't mean anything, but it means everything to me. I love you with my life, and you were willing to throw it away.

And frankly, I don't see how your porn addiction has anything to do with her. You'll have to explain that one a little better. 

I'm glad you have Gerry to talk to. I've got no one yet. If I sit for more than five minutes, I fall into a sobbing mess again. I'm a wreck. So yes you will be patient and you will give me space and you will give me respect.

I am truly angry now. And I can barely move.

Numb

I just feel numb right now.

I can't feel joy when he hugs me or kisses me. I don't mind sharing time together. He wants to be in the kitchen with me, wants to walk the dogs together, wants to go places with me like shopping or errands. All well and good, but mostly I just want to be left alone right now. I'm still processing things -- thoughts, images, words.

He wants to hug me a lot to show me how much he loves me, how glad he is I'm still here hanging on. But I just can't enjoy it. I feel like I'm in eighth grade again, creeped out by boys with their arms around me so I can't move.

This is so painful.

Same old

He seems to think spending time together is going to help, but it's not helping me.

He doesn't realize that by using the same behaviors he has used in the past, he's reminding me that those were lies. Or at least cover-ups. I can't think of him touching me without thinking of him touching her.

So sleeping alone is helpful. He's not there to remind me how stupid I am and how betrayed I feel.

It's been ...

So we have talked. A lot.

He connects his affair, as well as his "dysfunctional" sex drive, to porn.

In other words, she's cheaper than porn sites and 900 calls.

She sent him a long letter accusing and demanding and again saying she makes him much happier than I do. He denies that. But it's pretty clear that they talked and texted daily, and sometimes for hours on end. For the last four years. I still can't get over that -- I was RIGHT THERE in Kerkrade, and he still went to her place for sex! I cannot figure out how I was so blinded.

But I have decided I will stay and make it work. He has already begun looking for guidance on his porn addiction.

I am still sick to my stomach, and I'm sleeping on the third floor. It's serene up here. No chaos. Just a sharp pain in my tummy.

I am glad that this happened now, when I feel I am emotionally healed a lot. I feel strong enough to handle it this time. I'm angry instead of hurt. I am getting answers instead of apologies. It's different.

I decided to apply for Social Security benefits instead of trying to get a job to make the extra income we need to get ahead together.

And if it fails, I have enough in my IRA to buy a place down South and maintain it.

I am not going to let it fail, though. I'm not sure how I'll manage that, but I will.

Sham

So it turns out the whole last five years have been a sham. She showed up at Kerkrade and he met with her in her room. In the same monastery. With me asleep in our room.

This has been going on that long.

That's how stupid I am.