He Said; She Said

Last night he wrote this:

You are asking me to be patient and I am trying my best. I have never been good at patience.

I miss you.

It was always going to bed alone that opened the window for me to view porn on my phone. I am not doing that nor will I do that.

I know I've hurt you and I probably can't comprehend how much you are suffering but I want you to know that I have hurt myself as well. I ache from what I have done and from what I had become. I am past that now. Knowing what that behavior led to, I will never go back.

I want us both to move forward and work on healing this. I am willing to do whatever it takes to heal this but just being patient isn't something I can do. I'm not asking you to come to bed with me now ( though I would like that) but I am asking you to move forward with me. That's why I made sure the exercise equipment came up because I want a long life together and our present health course is not leading us there.

I know you are committed to this and that you love me, otherwise you wouldn't have gone to see Derek and especially wouldn't have endured Social Security 

I'm sending this anyway, even though you heard me say it.

I love you

Your Jack

To which, I answered:

I'm not sure what you're asking of me in this note. It sounds like you're saying you can't be patient. Jack, it took me five years, and I still couldn't get past my doubts. And that was while I believed you were being faithful. Now you tell me you spent a week screwing another woman while I was waiting for you in your bed, and you kept up the relationship with her for the next four years -- and you feel lonely in bed now? do you realize how that sounds? That's not impatience; it's disrespect and arrogance. You deserve to be alone, but I am here, fighting for what we can hold on to.

Right now, every time you touch me or tell me you love me, I can only think of you doing the same to her. You think I'm not angry? I am outraged! I am sick with anger. But when I express anger, you get defensive and argue that you weren't doing anything wrong by calling and texting her. So no, I'm not going to yell or call you names or throw anything in your face. Yes, I hurt a lot. I just had 7 years of my life ripped away. But if I cry, it's not because I'm hurt so much as I am furious and can't do a thing about it. Nothing will give me back those 7 years.

Every good memory I have of the past years is now rotted and disgusting, knowing you couldn't wait to sneak off and call her or text her. You can protest all you want that it didn't mean anything, but it means everything to me. I love you with my life, and you were willing to throw it away.

And frankly, I don't see how your porn addiction has anything to do with her. You'll have to explain that one a little better. 

I'm glad you have Gerry to talk to. I've got no one yet. If I sit for more than five minutes, I fall into a sobbing mess again. I'm a wreck. So yes you will be patient and you will give me space and you will give me respect.

I am truly angry now. And I can barely move.