Day Three on the Road to Big D.

This is the email I got this morning:

I love you 

Deal, Jack to youshow detailsshow image slideshow

I know the words don’t mean much to you right now but they are true, much truer than I’ve been.  I have been selfish and I have been foolish and I may have thrown away the most; important thing in my life.  I do not want to be with anyone other than you although there was a time when I didn’t think that way.

How did we get here?  For years I was very upset with you, I still am at times.  You had put on so much weight and you had become so lazy that it infuriated me.  I should have said something then  but I stupidly keep it to myself not wanting to hurt you.  That was a mistake, it should have been something that we worked on together.  Instead of working to fix our life together I looked at escaping from it  I have not felt that way since although I have continued keeping my frustrations bottled up.

I have lied to you about her.  I have no desire to be with her.  We had gotten very close and I still care about her but not in that way.  I have been corresponding with her for a while now but stopped Thursday.  She thinks I’m not happy being with you but I think she’s wrong.  There are many things I’m unhappy with but being with you is definitely not one of them.  I should have hurt her long ago and said goodbye then but then again, I’m stupid and don’t like to hurt people.  I have sinned greatly in hiding all this from you.  I rationalized with myself and God that there was nothing romantic between me and her.  But I have lied to you and now I have hurt you in the worst way possible.

I want to be with you.  That’s why I joined the Vagabonds and it’s what I love most about Blessed Sacrament,.  I love being able to play rock and roll with you in the Cruisers   I wish we did more things together.  I wish you would get up and walk the dogs with me in the morning.  I’d love to spend time in the kitchen with you, I’d love to work in the yard with you or just sit out there in the evening together,  I’d love working on finances together, I’d like to do pretty much everything together. 

I won’t go to see Derek on Wednesday without you.  All those plans are about our finances not mine and yours separately.  If you don’t think you’ll be back, I’ll call and cancel the appointment.

I miss you like I never have before.  I know it’s only been a couple of days but the thought of it being forever is more than I can handle.  I don’t ask you to forgive me.  I just want you to come back

I love you

And my answer:

Thank you for being honest. Here at least is a message I can read and understand. 

As I have always said, I love you with my life. You are a wonderful man, a deeply loving person, everything I admire in a person. Talent, beauty, intelligence, humor, wisdom. I love you so intensely, so deeply, that it fills my entire being.  

And as our counselor pointed out, that may be my biggest flaw, because without you, I don't know who I am and I don't know what to do with myself. I need you. I'm sorry if that puts an unnecessary burden on you, but it's true. When the boys became teenagers, you finally had someone to play with, and I was left alone. And on my own, I didn't know what to do with myself. So yes, fat and lazy if you want to call it that. It was also lonely. But we talked that out 5 years ago, when the counselor pointed out it was actually depression. Meds help, but not entirely. I need a reason to move, and I have selfishly looked to you to give me one. That's not fair, and I recognize that, but it's no less true.

It has taken me five years to convince myself that you really cared for me. So many moments at corps, at band, in the kitchen, camping, when I just wanted to hold you and snoodle. Sitting in church next to you, it's hard to control myself; I want to hug you right there. My love for you is overwhelming at times. In the last few months, I've taken to spooning you after you go to sleep, I'm just so thankful to have you there beside me. It's wonderfully tragic that Tuesday night I said out loud for the first time, "I forgive you." And I realized it was true. I had finally forgiven you completely. I was finally ready to move forward. I got up and got out and did things, accomplished things during the day. I was happy for the first time in a long time. We sat out in the yard, and I began to see things I could do to move forward. And I felt ready to move forward.

How long has this been going on? I remember passing you on the way to school in the morning and you would be on the phone, at 6:30 am. I asked you about it, and you said work. I told you when we got the puppy that I would help you walk the dogs. I told you many times I'd get up with you, and you said, "no, sleep." Now I know why. That's almost two years of the rug being pulled out from under me. How much more? At this point, I don't want to know. I'm done.

It's very telling that when I confronted you about your emails, your first thought was to go to the computer."What emails?" you said -- That was like a club to the head. You were obviously thinking, "Oh, shit, what did I forget to delete?" Covering, covering, covering. That was your first thought. Your second thought was, "Well, it's not like we're having an affair again, so I'm a little pissed off that you're mad at me." 

You can say you don't want to be with Peta, but I can't forget to what lengths you went in order to be attractive to her and have sex with her. "Medical condition," my foot. Those images have haunted me for years. Now they come back full force. You took more interest in having sex with her than you have taken with me, and you went to far more lengths and expense to do so than you have ever done with me.

You want me to come back, but what am I coming back to? How can I lie next to you knowing how easy it is for you to lie while lying next to me? Why would I willingly return to a place where you can hurt me again and again? To someone who shows so little respect and regard for me in the face of his own contentment? I'm not sure yet how to answer those questions. The last time I had those questions, the answer was, "He promises he won't do it again. I have to trust him." And I did.  Obviously, that's not the answer this time. Clearly I can't trust you. Ever. How do I live with that?

I would suggest talking to your sons. Both of them have experienced the pain of being cheated on, and separation. And in this, you have hurt them too because you drove me away and they deserve to know why. 

I just realized this morning that instead of grabbing a second bottle of my tummy meds, I grabbed Imodium, so I have to be home at least by Tuesday. I'll see how the weather is. As to staying, that will take some negotiation. 

So that's where it is.

Easy Grace

He says, "I'm an ass. It's you I love."

But I heard that already. Years ago, when he did the same thing. And after he swore it was done and over, I find him on with her again. And then again. And again after that. Month after month, his sneaking his message exchanges, apologizing after he got caught, and doing it again.

Each text a conscious decision to do something he knew would tear me apart, and he did it over and over and over.

I granted him his dignity then. I didn't blab it all over Facebook or tell the family. I told him then that if I learned of any further contact with her, the gloves were off.

I remember so clearly one of the texts he sent her after I'd caught him out the first time: Give her time to calm down. We just need to wait. I swear we'll be together.

At the same time, he talks about his retirement plans with me, the "five year plan."

He has no conscience.

That's what I can't abide. That he can systematically day after day break his word with no compunction. And only after he's caught out -- again -- does he say he's sorry and he was being stupid. Again.

So no, Jack. No easy grace. I seriously have to debate living with someone who has no conscience and so little respect for me, especially in the context of church and our faith. I am not coming home until I can figure out whether I am better off with or without you.

I cannot believe that when I told him I found his emails to her, he said, "Where? What emails?"

Which I take to mean, "Shit, what did I forget to delete?"

"Pictures of lottery tickets. What did those numbers mean, anyway? 'Hello, gorgeous! I love you so much! Love you always.' 'I'll be busy with the family on Easter. I'll call you at 6:30.'"

"I'm sorry I lied, but there's nothing going on. You look at those emails again, you go ahead and search. I'm not trying to get together with her, there's nothing romantic going on."

"Shut up."

"Fine."

Yes, he's angry at me for finding out he had re-upped his affair after swearing he would not talk with her again, and after telling me his computer and phone were open for me to inspect. He's angry at me because he just had to have his other woman on the side after I'd told him that cutting off communication with her was the condition of my staying.

So what do I do? Time for the big D? Time for a road trip?

And I have this blog because I don't feel I can tell any of my friends this because they all love Jack a bit more than they do me.

I'll need money. My pension is $2927.12 a month. I could get another thousand if I apply for SS now. Cash in my IRA and get a cheap house in the South somewhere. There are really nice houses in NC for under $100K, and property tax is low. I wonder if I could get a lower price if I handed over cash?

Or in France ... that would do it for me too.

FML

I started this blog to cope with the huge depression I fell into in 2011, discovering Jack's affair.

We've had 6 years of peace.

So what do I find tonight? Evidence that's he's been calling and emailing her again, beginning at least last spring, but no doubt before that.

I don't know what to do.

The funny thing is that JUST LAST NIGHT I was spooning him, thinking how grateful I was that he had chosen to stay with me.

And tonight, he surprised me by making a gourmet dinner. It was love, love, love. We sat outside and reflected on how much we love our life.

What was I thinking?

I could file for Social Security to get my other pension, and find myself a cheap cheap place to live in North Carolina.  I could move to France. I think. If the dollar is strong enough, I might cash in my CD and buy a place there.

Or I can do what Granny Deal did: kick him out of the bed. It's not like we use it for anything other than sleep.

I feel so sick now. The trite phrase "impotent rage" gets new vigor.

So for a number of days now, I've had a bizarre ache/pain in my right buttock that radiates up to my lower back at the side. I assumed it was a kidney pain, but now I'm reading about something called "Piriformis Tendonosis." All I know is, it hurts like blazes and I'm not happy!

Speaking of not happy, I was accepted into a study for depression. It was a long day of questions and tests, some of which the doctor answered for me, which was odd. How valid can the study be if I get into it under false statements?

Two in a row!

It was more difficult today because I was literally falling asleep at the computer this morning, and I wanted very much to take a nap. But that made me say to myself that I had to go.

So I did, and put in 40 minutes of laps. And when I weighed myself, I was 2 pounds less than yesterday. Good stuff.

So I just polished off a carton of ice cream to celebrate.

Thanks to my sister Donna, I got to the gym today.

She had accidentally shipped an item to me instead of herself, so when it arrived today, I had to send it back. I made it a point to grab my gym bag as well. As soon as I posted the package, I went right to the gym. I walked a mile at 2.0 mph, and I swam laps for a half hour.

My left knee still doesn't want to work. It hurt a bit to kick while swimming, and it bugs me now, hours later, just sitting. I don't know if that's because I did the walking first or not.

I do feel energized. And I'm glad I went out.

The gym changed up the yoga schedule. I have to check the site and figure it out. It would be good if I could do all three activities, or even four with machines, at one visit.

So, hooray for me today! That's one in a row!

But Not Today

I don't know why, but I spent a lot of today thinking about bad things from the past. It seems ridiculous that I can't get over or past some things.

It started with the thought that Jack has said he does not want me to get a tattoo, but I can't figure out why because if I got one in a discreet placement, he'd never see it anyway because he just doesn't see me naked anymore.

And that got me to depress on the fact that I've gained 100 pounds in the past 30 years. I can't motivate myself to get rid of it, and at the rate I'm going, I'm only going to gain more.

And that got me thinking about his affair, blaming me, saying I "let myself go." No, he let me go. He let me go to go play with his boys. Lost boys.

When I get this bad, I can't move. I haven't showered in over a week. A week! I want to go to my gym. I want to every day. That is, every night I say to myself, "I have to get to the gym tomorrow" but when I wake up I think, "I can't even move. How can I go to the gym?"

Viagra doesn't work with him. So why can't he get that mystery stuff he ordered for himself to go to England with?

And why can't I move past this?

Our counselor said there would be moments like this, when the memory crops up out of nowhere and hits me full force. This sucks, feeling this way.

The sofa is a black hole. I have to try to set myself up out of its gravitational field. Of course, like the gym, I think that now, at 1 am, but tomorrow ...

A Year Off

I've been officially retired one year, and all I have to show for it, really, is another ten pounds.  I am up to 230 pounds, and I hate it.

That's not to say I've done nothing in a year. I became Bracken's music instructor and drum major, and by all accounts (from Bracken people and from outsiders) I'm doing a great job of it. they all seem to love me, and respect me, and love me more. I even had a judge grab me after a performance to tell me that I have done amazing things with the corps. I felt kind of chuffed about that.

I've failed to teach the puppy to walk on a leash. I may have to get lessons on that.

 But I'm still holding my own in Blessed Sacrament, and I didn't fail too badly playing with "The Cruisers," for Blue Rock.

And I'm putting my writing back into a priority zone. Even attended a Lunacon and had a ball and met some wonderful people there. I had hoped to be done my novel already, but at least I am proud of what I've written so far.






But Jack is telling me I have to stop spending any money. Any at all. Or else go out and get a job.  I've thought about it, and I'm not happy about it. But what I need to do is spend more days writing, and get some things sold.

If I could only get past this depression. I'm pissed at myself for wasting hundreds of dollars NOT going to my gym. Do I quit the gym, and keep the extra $100 a month? Or force myself to go and get something accomplished?