But Not Today

I don't know why, but I spent a lot of today thinking about bad things from the past. It seems ridiculous that I can't get over or past some things.

It started with the thought that Jack has said he does not want me to get a tattoo, but I can't figure out why because if I got one in a discreet placement, he'd never see it anyway because he just doesn't see me naked anymore.

And that got me to depress on the fact that I've gained 100 pounds in the past 30 years. I can't motivate myself to get rid of it, and at the rate I'm going, I'm only going to gain more.

And that got me thinking about his affair, blaming me, saying I "let myself go." No, he let me go. He let me go to go play with his boys. Lost boys.

When I get this bad, I can't move. I haven't showered in over a week. A week! I want to go to my gym. I want to every day. That is, every night I say to myself, "I have to get to the gym tomorrow" but when I wake up I think, "I can't even move. How can I go to the gym?"

Viagra doesn't work with him. So why can't he get that mystery stuff he ordered for himself to go to England with?

And why can't I move past this?

Our counselor said there would be moments like this, when the memory crops up out of nowhere and hits me full force. This sucks, feeling this way.

The sofa is a black hole. I have to try to set myself up out of its gravitational field. Of course, like the gym, I think that now, at 1 am, but tomorrow ...