I know the words don’t mean much to you right now but they are true, much truer than I’ve been. I have been selfish and I have been foolish and I may have thrown away the most; important thing in my life. I do not want to be with anyone other than you although there was a time when I didn’t think that way.
How did we get here? For years I was very upset with you, I still am at times. You had put on so much weight and you had become so lazy that it infuriated me. I should have said something then but I stupidly keep it to myself not wanting to hurt you. That was a mistake, it should have been something that we worked on together. Instead of working to fix our life together I looked at escaping from it I have not felt that way since although I have continued keeping my frustrations bottled up.
I have lied to you about her. I have no desire to be with her. We had gotten very close and I still care about her but not in that way. I have been corresponding with her for a while now but stopped Thursday. She thinks I’m not happy being with you but I think she’s wrong. There are many things I’m unhappy with but being with you is definitely not one of them. I should have hurt her long ago and said goodbye then but then again, I’m stupid and don’t like to hurt people. I have sinned greatly in hiding all this from you. I rationalized with myself and God that there was nothing romantic between me and her. But I have lied to you and now I have hurt you in the worst way possible.
I want to be with you. That’s why I joined the Vagabonds and it’s what I love most about Blessed Sacrament,. I love being able to play rock and roll with you in the Cruisers I wish we did more things together. I wish you would get up and walk the dogs with me in the morning. I’d love to spend time in the kitchen with you, I’d love to work in the yard with you or just sit out there in the evening together, I’d love working on finances together, I’d like to do pretty much everything together.
I won’t go to see Derek on Wednesday without you. All those plans are about our finances not mine and yours separately. If you don’t think you’ll be back, I’ll call and cancel the appointment.
I miss you like I never have before. I know it’s only been a couple of days but the thought of it being forever is more than I can handle. I don’t ask you to forgive me. I just want you to come back
I love you
And my answer:
Thank you for being honest. Here at least is a message I can read and understand.
As I have always said, I love you with my life. You are a wonderful man, a deeply loving person, everything I admire in a person. Talent, beauty, intelligence, humor, wisdom. I love you so intensely, so deeply, that it fills my entire being.
And as our counselor pointed out, that may be my biggest flaw, because without you, I don't know who I am and I don't know what to do with myself. I need you. I'm sorry if that puts an unnecessary burden on you, but it's true. When the boys became teenagers, you finally had someone to play with, and I was left alone. And on my own, I didn't know what to do with myself. So yes, fat and lazy if you want to call it that. It was also lonely. But we talked that out 5 years ago, when the counselor pointed out it was actually depression. Meds help, but not entirely. I need a reason to move, and I have selfishly looked to you to give me one. That's not fair, and I recognize that, but it's no less true.
It has taken me five years to convince myself that you really cared for me. So many moments at corps, at band, in the kitchen, camping, when I just wanted to hold you and snoodle. Sitting in church next to you, it's hard to control myself; I want to hug you right there. My love for you is overwhelming at times. In the last few months, I've taken to spooning you after you go to sleep, I'm just so thankful to have you there beside me. It's wonderfully tragic that Tuesday night I said out loud for the first time, "I forgive you." And I realized it was true. I had finally forgiven you completely. I was finally ready to move forward. I got up and got out and did things, accomplished things during the day. I was happy for the first time in a long time. We sat out in the yard, and I began to see things I could do to move forward. And I felt ready to move forward.
How long has this been going on? I remember passing you on the way to school in the morning and you would be on the phone, at 6:30 am. I asked you about it, and you said work. I told you when we got the puppy that I would help you walk the dogs. I told you many times I'd get up with you, and you said, "no, sleep." Now I know why. That's almost two years of the rug being pulled out from under me. How much more? At this point, I don't want to know. I'm done.
It's very telling that when I confronted you about your emails, your first thought was to go to the computer."What emails?" you said -- That was like a club to the head. You were obviously thinking, "Oh, shit, what did I forget to delete?" Covering, covering, covering. That was your first thought. Your second thought was, "Well, it's not like we're having an affair again, so I'm a little pissed off that you're mad at me."
You can say you don't want to be with Peta, but I can't forget to what lengths you went in order to be attractive to her and have sex with her. "Medical condition," my foot. Those images have haunted me for years. Now they come back full force. You took more interest in having sex with her than you have taken with me, and you went to far more lengths and expense to do so than you have ever done with me.
You want me to come back, but what am I coming back to? How can I lie next to you knowing how easy it is for you to lie while lying next to me? Why would I willingly return to a place where you can hurt me again and again? To someone who shows so little respect and regard for me in the face of his own contentment? I'm not sure yet how to answer those questions. The last time I had those questions, the answer was, "He promises he won't do it again. I have to trust him." And I did. Obviously, that's not the answer this time. Clearly I can't trust you. Ever. How do I live with that?
I would suggest talking to your sons. Both of them have experienced the pain of being cheated on, and separation. And in this, you have hurt them too because you drove me away and they deserve to know why.
I just realized this morning that instead of grabbing a second bottle of my tummy meds, I grabbed Imodium, so I have to be home at least by Tuesday. I'll see how the weather is. As to staying, that will take some negotiation.
So that's where it is.
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