Yup Two

Jack had a day of Magic with his friends. But I was the one who had to do all the dishes.

Yup

I know it's trivial, but it's telling.

I dropped off my car to have rear shocks replaced. Jack picked me up once it was clear I'd have to wait too long. When we got back, the boys began to play games. And when my car was finished, Jack let me know he had no intention of taking me to get it until they were done their games.

Trapped at home with no way to move. The boys and the games more important.

A Week of Christmasing

Jack has been off this week, and so he got the tree up and festooned while I dealt with the holiday letter / pictures and cards. We had planned to gym every day, but my hip was so bad after Monday's gym that we didn't.

We attended the Galactic reading Tuesday, featuring Fran Wilde who is just adorable as well as brilliant. The only thing was, with Jack there, I felt glued down instead of being able to mingle with my friends.

Then we had a wonderful evening at the new Star Wars opening, a corporate event Jack got us tickets for along with Jesse and Liz. They had the ultrasound of their little "cherry" as they call it, since that's about how big it is.

The corporate rep then gave us a huge box of incredible goodies to bring home. I gained 2 more pounds at least.

Jack doesn't know how to not do anything. As long as he is home, he has to be doing something. He's driving me crazy, making me feel like a lump!

Some Progress

I've finally got my weight down to 220. If I can get 3 more pounds out of the way before Christmas, I'll have recovered from a year ago. Not too bad.

I bought all my own Christmas presents. At least I know I'll get what I want this year. Anything Jack gives me will be extra, and I told him I don't need anything, so I hope he listens.

What's the matter with me?

Why can't I move my ass today?

I really really wanted to go upstairs and work on my clothing situation. Instead, I sat down and didn't get up.

There are times I hate myself.

Joy!

Jesse and Liz announced to us that they're expecting! We will be grandparents after all!

Back to the Land of the Living

If it wasn't the flu, it was the worst cold I've ever experienced! It's been 8 days, and while I am finally able to get up and around, I'm still short of breath -- can't finish sentences! -- and coughing and producing volumes of snot.
Yuck.

I had to miss the Plymouth weekend, and the worst part of that was slipping back to the horrors of the ghosts of England since Jack was away. I thought it might help if I went back to the book, "After the Affair." It didn't. I may have to go deeper into it.

Have I let him off the hook? Have I made it too easy?

And how could he have lied so easily, and how could I not know it?

Philcon

A very good experience at Philcon, and I think I made myself known in a positive way. I was on a panel discussing the heroine's journey as opposed to the hero's journey (monomyth). I made several good points regarding the nature of the heroine's goals as well as the outcomes for her companions. Then another panel was what life would be like if Christianity hadn't come along. I was supposed to be moderating it, but there were two Jewish women there who kind of dominated the whole discussion. Then the final one was "The Monster That Lurks Within," which was a weird title because it was more about the idea of someone becoming something else, like a zombie, against his or her will.

But it was a great joy to spend time with folks I haven't seen in a while.

Of course, I now have a case of Con Crud!

Turning 63

So Saturday night I felt my usual cold and throat infection coming on, just like that, and I spent a miserable night coughing and snuffling.

But when I woke up, my whole upper back was in outrageous pain, burning, paralyzing, all the way down my arms and up into my neck and jaw. I couldn't even lift my arms to get dressed. After about a half hour, my breath started getting short, and then I felt a squeezing in my chest. As soon as Jack got home from church, I told him I was heading to the ER. Of course he wanted to be with me, but Vagabonds had a parade that not only needed him, but also Mike who was riding with us.

Of course, given my symptoms, I got right in, got an EKG right away -- and it was normal. So I got a chest X-ray. It was normal. They did a CT. It was normal. Meanwhile, I still can't move my arms, can't stand up straight, crying for pain.

The ER doc said I probably pulled a muscle. Jackass. But since I was still feeling the pain in my chest as well, they agree to hold me overnight, test my blood for heart attack enzymes, and do a full nuclear stress test. Meanwhile, my throat infection is getting worse, my ears are ringing, now my head is on fire, and everyone's ignoring that. The doctor allowed them to give me a muscle relaxer because he insisted I was having a spasm. The muscle relaxer wasn't enough to calm down the the restless legs. And I kept getting woken up for blood draughts. I finally asked for Tramadol, and then I was finally able to get a few hours of sleep before the stress testing.

So that's how I spent my birthday today--4 hours getting stress tested. But Jack was waiting for me when I got back to my room, and the hospital staff on the wing had brought me a balloon and a bag of gummies -- so sweet!

The doctor came in to discharge me, and approved a flu shot for me as well as a Z pack for my throat. He still insisted it was a pulled muscle.

So I'll probably never know what it was all about!

But happy birthday to me.

So

So he made love to me last night. No intercourse, just marvelous tongue.

I can't help remembering that he was able to fuck her without "those silly pills," as she called them. While I was in a room down the hall waiting for him.


When do I give up?

Flashbacks

Last night, Jack went up to turn off the fans in the 3rd-floor windows. For some reason it took him over 20 minutes.

Today, he's been anxious about keeping his phone near him, and he's going out to stores without me.

These are the signs. I hate thinking this way, but there it is.

Status Quo

Life is good.
We go places together, we gym together and he loves it, I'm losing weight slowly but surely, and I get to swim. I don't even have sores to pick at anymore. I'm getting tired of watching tv, but I don't feel like doing anything else. Not yet.

Memory

Memory sucks. Especially memories of things I didn't see happen. At night, I keep thinking of Peta showing up at our room in Kerkrade and him just leaving me there asleep while he goes off with her.

And it bothers me that I spent 4 years not knowing he was continuing this relationship. The number of times I asked him if he'd heard from her and he said, "Not a word." How carefully he must have erased everything.

And now he knows he just has to be more careful. So when it happens again, I'll never know. So the bottom line is, I'll never know. I can ask, but I'll never know if he's lying.

That's hurts more than being betrayed, I think, because it's the rest of my life, the rest of our marriage that's affected.

October 1

A great day with some Blue Rock folks! It was a great time for me. Got to play good stuff, and got to play solo.

More Fun Days

We went to the Franklin Institute to see the exhibit on the Terracotta Warriors. Then we lunched at Trio and went to the gym. I swam for an hour and it felt great! These are good days.

A Happy Day

I spent yesterday entirely happy. It was a great feeling.

Jack stayed home from work, which spoiled my plans for days at the beach. But we had breakfast, read the paper, took the dogs to the dog park, and went to the gym. It was nice, all day nice.

At the end of the day, I realized I'd been entirely happy the entire day. It felt nice.

Bad Day

I had just the finest weekend, being almost the star of the show at the Archer-Epler 85th reunion. I was music director of the Vagabonds as well as soloist, music director and drum major for Bracken, and helped put together the PAL tribute corps, so I was the leader there too. I got kudos from Ray Eyler and Carol Pennisi, from Duke Terreri and Jimmy Russo, and from so many others.

So why today do I suddenly have this flash of an image of Jack answering the door to Peta, and running off with her while I got left behind in Kerkrade. I can't figure out why. I can't understand it at all, and I can't stand it. And I've been crying or on the verge of crying all day. And I can't stand that either.

Out of the Blue

Son of a bitch.

The eye doctor says I have the early stages of glaucoma in my left eye!

Where the heck did that come from???

Bazzfazz.

Going Numb

It bothers me all the time that he could lie to me all these years. It takes a true sociopath. I doubt myself over and over, and I doubt him more.

Everything is proceeding as normal, as it always had been. So how do I know he's being true? I don't. That bothers me, and it makes me exhausted.

Better

I've returned to our bed. But more than that, Jack has come back into my life. He joined the gym with me, and we've been there five times together. We've had a lot of fun, and we've even had a bit of sex. It feels like we're back to better than normal.  He's trying very hard to please me.

It's actually helping that he asks me to set goals for the day because I tend to do them. Working with him is better than not working at all.

I'm not sure how I feel intellectually about this, but I'm content now. That makes a world of difference.

Date Night

We're going to dinner at no place fancy and then to a concert of McCartney music, with Jesse and Liz. It promises to be a nice night. Here's hoping!

Mellowing

Today was a pretty good day for us-ness.

First, I wasted 5 hours with the depression study, only to be told that I didn't qualify. Fine. At least they gave me $75 for my time.

But I came home, napped a bit until my legs began kicking. Jack was also at home: his back was bothering him a lot.

We practiced repertoire, had a nice dinner, then settled down to watch a movie, Midnight in Paris. That brought back good memories and we cuddled a bit. I put my 2nd wedding ring back on. I was tempted to return to the bed, but I decided not to.

Of course, now that I'm in bed up here by myself do I remember that the last time we were in Paris, he had just spent the week screwing Peta in Kerkrade. And it burns. It burns that he can get so romantic about Paris and it doesn't bother him in the least. I could hit him upside the head.

He Said; She Said

Last night he wrote this:

You are asking me to be patient and I am trying my best. I have never been good at patience.

I miss you.

It was always going to bed alone that opened the window for me to view porn on my phone. I am not doing that nor will I do that.

I know I've hurt you and I probably can't comprehend how much you are suffering but I want you to know that I have hurt myself as well. I ache from what I have done and from what I had become. I am past that now. Knowing what that behavior led to, I will never go back.

I want us both to move forward and work on healing this. I am willing to do whatever it takes to heal this but just being patient isn't something I can do. I'm not asking you to come to bed with me now ( though I would like that) but I am asking you to move forward with me. That's why I made sure the exercise equipment came up because I want a long life together and our present health course is not leading us there.

I know you are committed to this and that you love me, otherwise you wouldn't have gone to see Derek and especially wouldn't have endured Social Security 

I'm sending this anyway, even though you heard me say it.

I love you

Your Jack

To which, I answered:

I'm not sure what you're asking of me in this note. It sounds like you're saying you can't be patient. Jack, it took me five years, and I still couldn't get past my doubts. And that was while I believed you were being faithful. Now you tell me you spent a week screwing another woman while I was waiting for you in your bed, and you kept up the relationship with her for the next four years -- and you feel lonely in bed now? do you realize how that sounds? That's not impatience; it's disrespect and arrogance. You deserve to be alone, but I am here, fighting for what we can hold on to.

Right now, every time you touch me or tell me you love me, I can only think of you doing the same to her. You think I'm not angry? I am outraged! I am sick with anger. But when I express anger, you get defensive and argue that you weren't doing anything wrong by calling and texting her. So no, I'm not going to yell or call you names or throw anything in your face. Yes, I hurt a lot. I just had 7 years of my life ripped away. But if I cry, it's not because I'm hurt so much as I am furious and can't do a thing about it. Nothing will give me back those 7 years.

Every good memory I have of the past years is now rotted and disgusting, knowing you couldn't wait to sneak off and call her or text her. You can protest all you want that it didn't mean anything, but it means everything to me. I love you with my life, and you were willing to throw it away.

And frankly, I don't see how your porn addiction has anything to do with her. You'll have to explain that one a little better. 

I'm glad you have Gerry to talk to. I've got no one yet. If I sit for more than five minutes, I fall into a sobbing mess again. I'm a wreck. So yes you will be patient and you will give me space and you will give me respect.

I am truly angry now. And I can barely move.

Numb

I just feel numb right now.

I can't feel joy when he hugs me or kisses me. I don't mind sharing time together. He wants to be in the kitchen with me, wants to walk the dogs together, wants to go places with me like shopping or errands. All well and good, but mostly I just want to be left alone right now. I'm still processing things -- thoughts, images, words.

He wants to hug me a lot to show me how much he loves me, how glad he is I'm still here hanging on. But I just can't enjoy it. I feel like I'm in eighth grade again, creeped out by boys with their arms around me so I can't move.

This is so painful.

Same old

He seems to think spending time together is going to help, but it's not helping me.

He doesn't realize that by using the same behaviors he has used in the past, he's reminding me that those were lies. Or at least cover-ups. I can't think of him touching me without thinking of him touching her.

So sleeping alone is helpful. He's not there to remind me how stupid I am and how betrayed I feel.

It's been ...

So we have talked. A lot.

He connects his affair, as well as his "dysfunctional" sex drive, to porn.

In other words, she's cheaper than porn sites and 900 calls.

She sent him a long letter accusing and demanding and again saying she makes him much happier than I do. He denies that. But it's pretty clear that they talked and texted daily, and sometimes for hours on end. For the last four years. I still can't get over that -- I was RIGHT THERE in Kerkrade, and he still went to her place for sex! I cannot figure out how I was so blinded.

But I have decided I will stay and make it work. He has already begun looking for guidance on his porn addiction.

I am still sick to my stomach, and I'm sleeping on the third floor. It's serene up here. No chaos. Just a sharp pain in my tummy.

I am glad that this happened now, when I feel I am emotionally healed a lot. I feel strong enough to handle it this time. I'm angry instead of hurt. I am getting answers instead of apologies. It's different.

I decided to apply for Social Security benefits instead of trying to get a job to make the extra income we need to get ahead together.

And if it fails, I have enough in my IRA to buy a place down South and maintain it.

I am not going to let it fail, though. I'm not sure how I'll manage that, but I will.

Sham

So it turns out the whole last five years have been a sham. She showed up at Kerkrade and he met with her in her room. In the same monastery. With me asleep in our room.

This has been going on that long.

That's how stupid I am.

Day Three on the Road to Big D.

This is the email I got this morning:

I love you 

Deal, Jack to youshow detailsshow image slideshow

I know the words don’t mean much to you right now but they are true, much truer than I’ve been.  I have been selfish and I have been foolish and I may have thrown away the most; important thing in my life.  I do not want to be with anyone other than you although there was a time when I didn’t think that way.

How did we get here?  For years I was very upset with you, I still am at times.  You had put on so much weight and you had become so lazy that it infuriated me.  I should have said something then  but I stupidly keep it to myself not wanting to hurt you.  That was a mistake, it should have been something that we worked on together.  Instead of working to fix our life together I looked at escaping from it  I have not felt that way since although I have continued keeping my frustrations bottled up.

I have lied to you about her.  I have no desire to be with her.  We had gotten very close and I still care about her but not in that way.  I have been corresponding with her for a while now but stopped Thursday.  She thinks I’m not happy being with you but I think she’s wrong.  There are many things I’m unhappy with but being with you is definitely not one of them.  I should have hurt her long ago and said goodbye then but then again, I’m stupid and don’t like to hurt people.  I have sinned greatly in hiding all this from you.  I rationalized with myself and God that there was nothing romantic between me and her.  But I have lied to you and now I have hurt you in the worst way possible.

I want to be with you.  That’s why I joined the Vagabonds and it’s what I love most about Blessed Sacrament,.  I love being able to play rock and roll with you in the Cruisers   I wish we did more things together.  I wish you would get up and walk the dogs with me in the morning.  I’d love to spend time in the kitchen with you, I’d love to work in the yard with you or just sit out there in the evening together,  I’d love working on finances together, I’d like to do pretty much everything together. 

I won’t go to see Derek on Wednesday without you.  All those plans are about our finances not mine and yours separately.  If you don’t think you’ll be back, I’ll call and cancel the appointment.

I miss you like I never have before.  I know it’s only been a couple of days but the thought of it being forever is more than I can handle.  I don’t ask you to forgive me.  I just want you to come back

I love you

And my answer:

Thank you for being honest. Here at least is a message I can read and understand. 

As I have always said, I love you with my life. You are a wonderful man, a deeply loving person, everything I admire in a person. Talent, beauty, intelligence, humor, wisdom. I love you so intensely, so deeply, that it fills my entire being.  

And as our counselor pointed out, that may be my biggest flaw, because without you, I don't know who I am and I don't know what to do with myself. I need you. I'm sorry if that puts an unnecessary burden on you, but it's true. When the boys became teenagers, you finally had someone to play with, and I was left alone. And on my own, I didn't know what to do with myself. So yes, fat and lazy if you want to call it that. It was also lonely. But we talked that out 5 years ago, when the counselor pointed out it was actually depression. Meds help, but not entirely. I need a reason to move, and I have selfishly looked to you to give me one. That's not fair, and I recognize that, but it's no less true.

It has taken me five years to convince myself that you really cared for me. So many moments at corps, at band, in the kitchen, camping, when I just wanted to hold you and snoodle. Sitting in church next to you, it's hard to control myself; I want to hug you right there. My love for you is overwhelming at times. In the last few months, I've taken to spooning you after you go to sleep, I'm just so thankful to have you there beside me. It's wonderfully tragic that Tuesday night I said out loud for the first time, "I forgive you." And I realized it was true. I had finally forgiven you completely. I was finally ready to move forward. I got up and got out and did things, accomplished things during the day. I was happy for the first time in a long time. We sat out in the yard, and I began to see things I could do to move forward. And I felt ready to move forward.

How long has this been going on? I remember passing you on the way to school in the morning and you would be on the phone, at 6:30 am. I asked you about it, and you said work. I told you when we got the puppy that I would help you walk the dogs. I told you many times I'd get up with you, and you said, "no, sleep." Now I know why. That's almost two years of the rug being pulled out from under me. How much more? At this point, I don't want to know. I'm done.

It's very telling that when I confronted you about your emails, your first thought was to go to the computer."What emails?" you said -- That was like a club to the head. You were obviously thinking, "Oh, shit, what did I forget to delete?" Covering, covering, covering. That was your first thought. Your second thought was, "Well, it's not like we're having an affair again, so I'm a little pissed off that you're mad at me." 

You can say you don't want to be with Peta, but I can't forget to what lengths you went in order to be attractive to her and have sex with her. "Medical condition," my foot. Those images have haunted me for years. Now they come back full force. You took more interest in having sex with her than you have taken with me, and you went to far more lengths and expense to do so than you have ever done with me.

You want me to come back, but what am I coming back to? How can I lie next to you knowing how easy it is for you to lie while lying next to me? Why would I willingly return to a place where you can hurt me again and again? To someone who shows so little respect and regard for me in the face of his own contentment? I'm not sure yet how to answer those questions. The last time I had those questions, the answer was, "He promises he won't do it again. I have to trust him." And I did.  Obviously, that's not the answer this time. Clearly I can't trust you. Ever. How do I live with that?

I would suggest talking to your sons. Both of them have experienced the pain of being cheated on, and separation. And in this, you have hurt them too because you drove me away and they deserve to know why. 

I just realized this morning that instead of grabbing a second bottle of my tummy meds, I grabbed Imodium, so I have to be home at least by Tuesday. I'll see how the weather is. As to staying, that will take some negotiation. 

So that's where it is.

Easy Grace

He says, "I'm an ass. It's you I love."

But I heard that already. Years ago, when he did the same thing. And after he swore it was done and over, I find him on with her again. And then again. And again after that. Month after month, his sneaking his message exchanges, apologizing after he got caught, and doing it again.

Each text a conscious decision to do something he knew would tear me apart, and he did it over and over and over.

I granted him his dignity then. I didn't blab it all over Facebook or tell the family. I told him then that if I learned of any further contact with her, the gloves were off.

I remember so clearly one of the texts he sent her after I'd caught him out the first time: Give her time to calm down. We just need to wait. I swear we'll be together.

At the same time, he talks about his retirement plans with me, the "five year plan."

He has no conscience.

That's what I can't abide. That he can systematically day after day break his word with no compunction. And only after he's caught out -- again -- does he say he's sorry and he was being stupid. Again.

So no, Jack. No easy grace. I seriously have to debate living with someone who has no conscience and so little respect for me, especially in the context of church and our faith. I am not coming home until I can figure out whether I am better off with or without you.

I cannot believe that when I told him I found his emails to her, he said, "Where? What emails?"

Which I take to mean, "Shit, what did I forget to delete?"

"Pictures of lottery tickets. What did those numbers mean, anyway? 'Hello, gorgeous! I love you so much! Love you always.' 'I'll be busy with the family on Easter. I'll call you at 6:30.'"

"I'm sorry I lied, but there's nothing going on. You look at those emails again, you go ahead and search. I'm not trying to get together with her, there's nothing romantic going on."

"Shut up."

"Fine."

Yes, he's angry at me for finding out he had re-upped his affair after swearing he would not talk with her again, and after telling me his computer and phone were open for me to inspect. He's angry at me because he just had to have his other woman on the side after I'd told him that cutting off communication with her was the condition of my staying.

So what do I do? Time for the big D? Time for a road trip?

And I have this blog because I don't feel I can tell any of my friends this because they all love Jack a bit more than they do me.

I'll need money. My pension is $2927.12 a month. I could get another thousand if I apply for SS now. Cash in my IRA and get a cheap house in the South somewhere. There are really nice houses in NC for under $100K, and property tax is low. I wonder if I could get a lower price if I handed over cash?

Or in France ... that would do it for me too.

FML

I started this blog to cope with the huge depression I fell into in 2011, discovering Jack's affair.

We've had 6 years of peace.

So what do I find tonight? Evidence that's he's been calling and emailing her again, beginning at least last spring, but no doubt before that.

I don't know what to do.

The funny thing is that JUST LAST NIGHT I was spooning him, thinking how grateful I was that he had chosen to stay with me.

And tonight, he surprised me by making a gourmet dinner. It was love, love, love. We sat outside and reflected on how much we love our life.

What was I thinking?

I could file for Social Security to get my other pension, and find myself a cheap cheap place to live in North Carolina.  I could move to France. I think. If the dollar is strong enough, I might cash in my CD and buy a place there.

Or I can do what Granny Deal did: kick him out of the bed. It's not like we use it for anything other than sleep.

I feel so sick now. The trite phrase "impotent rage" gets new vigor.

So for a number of days now, I've had a bizarre ache/pain in my right buttock that radiates up to my lower back at the side. I assumed it was a kidney pain, but now I'm reading about something called "Piriformis Tendonosis." All I know is, it hurts like blazes and I'm not happy!

Speaking of not happy, I was accepted into a study for depression. It was a long day of questions and tests, some of which the doctor answered for me, which was odd. How valid can the study be if I get into it under false statements?

Two in a row!

It was more difficult today because I was literally falling asleep at the computer this morning, and I wanted very much to take a nap. But that made me say to myself that I had to go.

So I did, and put in 40 minutes of laps. And when I weighed myself, I was 2 pounds less than yesterday. Good stuff.

So I just polished off a carton of ice cream to celebrate.

Thanks to my sister Donna, I got to the gym today.

She had accidentally shipped an item to me instead of herself, so when it arrived today, I had to send it back. I made it a point to grab my gym bag as well. As soon as I posted the package, I went right to the gym. I walked a mile at 2.0 mph, and I swam laps for a half hour.

My left knee still doesn't want to work. It hurt a bit to kick while swimming, and it bugs me now, hours later, just sitting. I don't know if that's because I did the walking first or not.

I do feel energized. And I'm glad I went out.

The gym changed up the yoga schedule. I have to check the site and figure it out. It would be good if I could do all three activities, or even four with machines, at one visit.

So, hooray for me today! That's one in a row!

But Not Today

I don't know why, but I spent a lot of today thinking about bad things from the past. It seems ridiculous that I can't get over or past some things.

It started with the thought that Jack has said he does not want me to get a tattoo, but I can't figure out why because if I got one in a discreet placement, he'd never see it anyway because he just doesn't see me naked anymore.

And that got me to depress on the fact that I've gained 100 pounds in the past 30 years. I can't motivate myself to get rid of it, and at the rate I'm going, I'm only going to gain more.

And that got me thinking about his affair, blaming me, saying I "let myself go." No, he let me go. He let me go to go play with his boys. Lost boys.

When I get this bad, I can't move. I haven't showered in over a week. A week! I want to go to my gym. I want to every day. That is, every night I say to myself, "I have to get to the gym tomorrow" but when I wake up I think, "I can't even move. How can I go to the gym?"

Viagra doesn't work with him. So why can't he get that mystery stuff he ordered for himself to go to England with?

And why can't I move past this?

Our counselor said there would be moments like this, when the memory crops up out of nowhere and hits me full force. This sucks, feeling this way.

The sofa is a black hole. I have to try to set myself up out of its gravitational field. Of course, like the gym, I think that now, at 1 am, but tomorrow ...

A Year Off

I've been officially retired one year, and all I have to show for it, really, is another ten pounds.  I am up to 230 pounds, and I hate it.

That's not to say I've done nothing in a year. I became Bracken's music instructor and drum major, and by all accounts (from Bracken people and from outsiders) I'm doing a great job of it. they all seem to love me, and respect me, and love me more. I even had a judge grab me after a performance to tell me that I have done amazing things with the corps. I felt kind of chuffed about that.

I've failed to teach the puppy to walk on a leash. I may have to get lessons on that.

 But I'm still holding my own in Blessed Sacrament, and I didn't fail too badly playing with "The Cruisers," for Blue Rock.

And I'm putting my writing back into a priority zone. Even attended a Lunacon and had a ball and met some wonderful people there. I had hoped to be done my novel already, but at least I am proud of what I've written so far.






But Jack is telling me I have to stop spending any money. Any at all. Or else go out and get a job.  I've thought about it, and I'm not happy about it. But what I need to do is spend more days writing, and get some things sold.

If I could only get past this depression. I'm pissed at myself for wasting hundreds of dollars NOT going to my gym. Do I quit the gym, and keep the extra $100 a month? Or force myself to go and get something accomplished?

Memorial Day

Memorial Day 2017

I have no thoughts on the topic, but today and yesterday were pain days. Weather related? It's been cold and rainy and humid. Moreso than normal for this weekend. Summer is in just 3 weeks, and it's still not  breaking 80 degrees. When I think back to the year Jesse was born, 1980, when it was over 100 degrees for a whole week when we came home from the hospital. Poor kid! We used to take baths in cold water together just to cool down.

But the pain in the knees, that's a bother.

I got gel injections in both knees, a set of three shots. Each time, the right knee protested, and the left knee was fine. After this last shot, I haven't been able to straighten my right leg to lock the knee. I won't be able to march past Kelly's this year as a result, which is annoying. And after this last shot, my left knee is feeling strained in the muscle.

That's a bother.

People don't seem to realize what constant pain can do to a person. I'm afraid to get up and do anything. I always feel stressed even though I have nothing to actually stress about.

And still, I'm not happy. And as I've said before, I'm content, I'm not sad. I just don't feel happiness. I miss that.

A Whole Effing Year and Some

Clearly, I suck at blogging.

But 2016 was a tumultuous year for me. I nearly had a nervous breakdown finishing out the school year, and I decided it was time to retire before the Common Core frenzy and PARCC madness got even madder (which it did).

The moment I said I was retiring, a wave of peace came over me.

The biggest issue I have with retirement, however, is that depression is taking over. I did swim a lot at the gym over the summer, and did some yoga, but then everything began to shut down in October.

Naturally I put on weight, so there's that. I stopped going to the gym when I hurt my knees, and then I broke my foot again, which caused me to sprain the left knee further. I went to the Rothman Institute and they're going to fix me up with some knee gel to replace the cartilage.

I began seeing a chiropractor, and I found that I had some levroscoliosis, meaning my back was all twisted and wrenched to the left, and some vertebrae were even a little skewed. But he fixed me up.

And I got a medication for my restless legs syndrome! That's been a true miracle.

In November, I picked up my steampunk thingie and began writing again, and that feels like accomplishment.  I even got to a writers con in March.

The best fun has been playing with Blessed Sacrament and becoming the music director for Bracken Cavaliers. The Bracken people are so appreciative, and at our last show, many of my friends said I had done a fabulous job -- they sounded like a drum corps! I feel pretty good about that!

So, here it is the beginning of May. I'm still trying to get up in the morning -- I just plain can't get out of bed. I know that if I could get up before 8, I'd be able to do so much more with my retired life! But I just keep cocooning.

Let's see if blogging about it works.